I’ve been better about writing this week.

I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post.

So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry.

Hopefully this one will be the winner.

My weight is getting out of control again.

It doesn’t take me long to gain the weight back that I just lost.

It’s maddening.

It’s like a disease.

Because it is.

Because it never goes away, it comes and goes in waves, it’s out of my control (to an extent), I’m predisposed to it, and it’s been with me my whole life.

I’ve always had a belly.

There’s never been a single time in my life where I was happy with my weight.

The only time I was under 200lbs was in my late 20’s, early 30’s.

I was 189 for a few months.

And that’s because I was using opiates so heavy that I didn’t care about eating.

I’m not exaggerating either.

I didn’t even want to eat either because it would ruin my fucking high.

So I didn’t.

So I lost a bunch of weight, quick.

I kept it off for a few years because I was so high all the time.

But the second I got clean, I gained many, many a pounds back and was right up to the high 200’s again in no time.

The past ten years I’ve been going back and forth from being over 300 to just under it.

That’s too much.

I was 277 at my lowest this year.

But that was fleeting.

I can’t seem to get ahead of this shit.

This shit being my weight.

It’s like a disorder, it seriously feels like a disease.

I’m sure I have a binge eating disorder.

I’ve never been diagnosed as one, but I meet all the requirements.

And I hate it.

I’ve always been bigger than everyone else.

Height and weight wise.

I’m giant.

5’10.5”.

300lbs.

Giant.

I’m lucky that the weight looks pretty decent on me.

Some folks aren’t so lucky.

But I do look big, but also proportional, for the most part.

But I have got to reel this shit in.

I feel like when I lose weight, I rarely keep it off.

It’s like I can’t keep it off.

Not healthily.

I have to basically not eat in order to lose weight.

I’ve always been like this.

And it also sucks because as much as I feel like my weight gain is out of my control, I know I overeat at the same time.

And it’s hard, because I get sad or angry and turn to food for comfort.

Then I gain weight, and get sad that food did that to me, while I continue to overeat.

But I can’t stop because it’s the only thing that makes me happy again.

That’s how I know I need a life change honestly.

When I’m sad all the time.

Borderline depressed.

I’m sad, so I’m eating all the time.

It’s like I’m scared of being hungry or something too.

Like I don’t have the ability to let my body be hungry and just be without food.

Ever.

The second I get even the slightest bit hungry, I’m eating.

And my already slowed metabolism (I have had Hypothroidism since birth) can’t handle it.

At all.

My body wants all of this food, but then it can’t process it properly and I gain weight.

It’s all a big bag of fucking annoyance.

I don’t know why I gain weight so quickly sometimes.

I was just thinking about this.

My Prozac dose got upped to 60mg a day at my last appointment with my psych NP.

That could be a culprit.

And that was at the beginning of November.

Since then I’ve gained weight and become more sad.

Not necessarily depressed, but for sure sad.

I’m not going to take that much anymore.

I think it’s too much.

As I’m writing this I took the added 20mg capsules of Prozac and put them back in the bottle.

I can’t help but notice a correlation.

I really didn’t want to be on that much Prozac anyway.

It’s too much.

It’s the max dose.

And I do think that’s part of my problem right now.

Besides it’s causing me some blurred vision that’s getting really old really quick too.

It’s for sure a side effect of Prozac.

Of SSRI’s in general too.

And it’s really, really frustrating.

My glasses don’t help.

Eye drops don’t help.

Nothing helps stop it.

I can sometimes see clear but it’s not often anymore.

Everything’s just blurred.

I’ve had enough of it.

Anyway, we’ll see how the back to 40mg dose works again.

I’m grateful to have options when it comes to controlling my health.

But it’s frustrating to be on so many medications.

I’m sure it doesn’t help with the weight gain aspect as well.

My Dad looked up side effects for all my medications the other week.

Just my two antipsychotics had weight gain as a side effect.

There was a lot of dizziness tho.

Practically every other one.

No wonder why I’m tired and light headed feeling all the time.

I was glad he did that.

It was interesting to see.

I know this weight gain isn’t all my fault.

But probably 50% of it IS in my control.

So I have got to do my part and reel it in where I can.

And it comes down to eating much less.

A lot less.

I have got to plug it into my brain that I don’t do much at this point in my life, throughout the day at least.

So I need to only eat for the energy that I put out.

Which isn’t that much in a day right now.

And I really, really need to remember that.

That’s where I need to start.

– Keren