I’ve been ignoring my physical health for a while now again.

A few months.

It’s just so hard to focus on anything with my medications being leveled out and my disability hearing and all of that being in limbo for so long. 

I seemingly just got used to the super charged anxiety levels in me.

And I’ve gained like 15 pounds in the last couple of months too.

I have to remind myself that I’ve still lost over 80lbs then.

It’s just hard to recognize some days.

And I just have not been able to focus on limiting my food intake lately.

I haven’t been caring what I eat and I care but I don’t until I gain more weight but I don’t want to gain anymore weight I need to lose some otherwise I’ll get diabetes and I just can’t bring myself to give a flying fuck.

Which sounds terrible.

I have cut out a lot of extra sugar at least.

I drank a Coke Zero today, but I hadn’t had one in a while.

Because even fake sugar counts as sugar to the body.

I have been better about not buying a bunch of sweets or soda when I go to the store.

But I’ve been walking back and forth to the 7/11 by my apartments to get some treats throughout the week.

I guess it’s better than every day.

And at least I walk there.

(It’s less than a block away.)

But I’m just not able to fucking focus on a long term goal right now.

It feels like how I used to feel about goals before antipsychotics.

Helpless.

Unobtainable.

Impossible.

Like having a goal to accomplish is the same thing as winning the fucking lotto.

It’s possible, but it’s not gonna happen.

Maybe now that I’ve got disability I can just kinda focus on these other things for a while.

But I don’t know how to do that right now.

I don’t know where to start.

Not today.

It’s too much.

It’s all too much.

I was really hoping to get the Propranolol figured out and upped but now, as of today (it’s Friday), my psych NP doesn’t want to write the prescription for me.

He told his nurse to call and tell me this.

So, after over a three week waiting period to hear back from him, he’s not going to write it and wants me to get it through my primary care doctor who initially wrote it.

Why did he say he would write it in our session then?

He seriously could’ve told me this weeks ago.

Because now I have to wait another ten days to get in to see my primary care doctor.

So this whole month I could’ve been able to use the Propranolol as a tool to curb my anxiety while waiting for the disability decision, and I was unable to.

Fucking frustrating.

I wish he hadn’t wasted so much of my time with this.

I had to call his office like five times within the past few weeks, and I never heard anything back till now.

I could’ve already seen my primary care doctor and had this issue be a nonissue.

So, that’s great.

I just wish I could focus on more than one thing at a time in my life.

And I guess I have been focusing on my physical health with quitting smoking.

I do need to recognize that.

But it hasn’t been in a well rounded way.

More in a, I can only do one thing at a time, way.

And quitting smoking while waiting for a disability decision maxed me out.

120%.

So now I have to reel my weight back in.

And I don’t know how quickly I’ll be able to do that right now.

I’ve definitely been making better choices at the grocery store the past few weeks, but my trips to 7/11 have been frequent as well at the same time.

So that’s a double edged sword.

But I’ve been sticking to the outside aisles in the grocery store when I go.

And have been staying away from packaged, processed foods for the most part.

I’ve been eating a lot of salad and fruits.

I have been trying to limit my food intake too.

Especially with carbs and sugar.

I just feel like I don’t want to obsess over what I put in my mouth too much.

But I’m tired of being overweight.

I’m tired of not being able to just go to the store and get clothes.

I’m tired of feeling run down.

I’m scared of getting diabetes.

I want to lose weight but I hate denying myself food.

It’s the only thing I have left.

But I know in order to be healthy I have to deny myself sometimes.

It’s not all or nothing, but not keeping sweets in the house full time is a huge step for me.

And I do need to remind myself that I am working on myself even though it doesn’t always seem or feel like it.

I am putting the work in.

Quitting smoking is fucking hard and I’m doing it.

And I would never, ever tell a friend they’re not doing enough for their physical health in the middle of quitting smoking.

The thing is that I do thrive better doing one thing at a time.

It’s just so fucking hard because I’m also very impatient with myself.

I should’ve lost this weight already.

I should already be at my goal weight by now.

If I would’ve stayed on track I’d be better off now.

But I didn’t because I never hit goals because I have no willpower.

I mean, I feel like I don’t have enough willpower to do all these things is what it really comes down to.

I can only do so fucking much before I feel like I’m going to explode.

And I’ve been feeling explosive lately in the way of being done withholding things from myself.

Especially after quitting smoking.

But in order to reach my goals, I have to withhold things from myself.

And I don’t know how to reach these things I have going on quickly.

I do know that the EMDR therapy I’ve been working on is aiding to my understanding of my goals and how to get there though.

It’s been the most helpful therapy I’ve done yet.

(Besides DBT)

I was lucky enough to get a set of TouchPoints (EMDR pulsars) recently and they’ve been very soothing to use.

I got them last Wednesday and have used them every day so far.

It’s really helping my anxiety die down, finally.

I just wish one of these days I’d wake up without any mental illness symptoms.

I’m not holding my breath for that though.

At least I’m able to focus on my mental health most days now.

I’m able to write and practice some mindfulness.

And that is a step in the right direction.

I wasn’t always able to see those parts of me.

I really need to be easier on myself.

I’ve got a lot going on right now and life is hard.

It’s so difficult some days.

If I just had more patience, I think I’d feel better about a lot of things.

– Keren