It’s like one good thing happens and then a bunch of terrible things follow suit.

I didn’t have therapy last week because of the fourth of July holiday was that same day.

Today, Thursday, 40 min before our session, my therapist Sean just texted and canceled on me.

I really needed that fucking appointment today.

I feel like everytime I really need a session, shit like this happens.

Everytime.

I saw my ex husbands face too yesterday and the day before, and then today again because I had to start a new Facebook page and his profile popped up there, and on Instagram, and I instantly blocked him everywhere again.

Then a bunch of old photos of him popped up on my Snapchat and I had to delete them all.

One even had his fucking voice on it but I deleted it before the sound had a chance to work.

It’s traumatizing just seeing his fucking face.

I have an intense physical response to seeing him.

This huge feeling of disgust just overwhelmed me and my chest gets super tight feeling.

I felt like I’m choking on air or out of breath almost for a few minutes, my throat just squeezes itself so much.

It feels like it takes the air out of me.

It was honestly an intense reaction and I was hoping to do some EMDR work on it today.

But waaat waaah, no such luck, no appointment.

It’s now Friday and I should’ve written more this week.

I’ve been so distraught over my Facebook being hacked that I’ve lost all hope getting all of my friends list and photos back.

I don’t even know what to do about it either.

Besides obsess, which I’ve been trying to not do.

That’s why I needed that fucking therapy session yesterday, but he never even asks me if I need to reschedule when he cancels on me like that.

I’m just shit outta luck and don’t have my appointment that week if something, anything comes up for him.

It is what it is, I’m just frustrated.

I barely got a chance to talk about my disability hearing at our last session a few weeks ago.

We’re running behind with this shit, and it’s stressing me out.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t take my Paliperidone a few days this week.

I don’t feel like I deserve stability.

And then I get so, so, so fucking sick of not being able to emote.

I hate medications sometimes.

I cry for three seconds and then I can’t cry anymore, at all.

And I noticed that I’ve been gaining some weight with the Invega/Paliperidone switch too.

It hasn’t been that long since being switched from the injection to a tablet, a few months.

And like I’ve told y’all, I started having to take a fucking beta blocker again becasue my high heart rate is back.

I think that’s from the switch too.

Nothing else has happened besides that switch, so I it’s pretty obvious that’s the culprit.

It’s maddening at times, sticking to my medication regimens.

Taking meds is my biggest hurdle somedays because as much as I’m grateful for the help, when I’m feeling better I don’t feel like I need any of these stupid fucking medications.

They get to a point of where they’re inhibiting my life and making me feel like I’m being slowly tortured or something.

I have had zero libedo for a few years now and no personality to follow suit.

I can’t fucking feel things.

Everything is so fucking muted, and I can’t stand it today.

Most days I’m just grateful to not be in psychosis anymore.

Well, today I’m sick of all of it, and I don’t deserve stability.

I’m tired of sleeping so much and not showering enough and not being able to remember to brush my own fucking teeth.

I’m a fucking zombie and I hate it.

I tell myself that I’d rather feel the big big highs and big big lows again, but that sucked even more than this does and I’ve been compulsively romanticizing that shit lately.

I was more fun when I had mania.

I was more productive and social when I wasn’t on my meds.

But at the same time I was also a fucking hot mess, so where’s the balance?

Where is the medication that lets me cry for more than three seconds?

Where’s the medication that helps me fucking emote and feel human?

I hate this shit.

I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

A catch-22.

I listened to the “Medication Noncompliance…” episode of Inside Bipolar while running errands, got home, and took my Paliperidone.

Fine.

I guess I’ll adhere today.

I’m not happy about it.

But, today, I’ll take the fucking medicine.

But only because I can’t ruin my life again or anymore – it’s already pretty fucked up, I shouldn’t make it worse.

I’m still sorta reeling and hypervigilant from seeing my ex husband on my phone, I don’t need that playing into a delusion right now or anything.

I shouldn’t make myself more vulnerable, I guess.

I’m just not in a very good space this week.

At all.

– Keren