I don’t feel like writing this week.

I’ve tried.

I’ve written like six or seven half entires, trying to get something together for this blog this week.

And I can’t seem to focus.

It’s super rainy today.

And it’s been cold all week.

I guess it is winter time.

But the weather is just reflective of how I feel right now.

My pain levels have been through the fucking roof.

I’ve been feeling nauseous all week from it.

The past two days I’ve eaten peanut butter and honey sandwiches because it’s all I can stomach.

It’s light, yet has protein.

The swelling on my ankles is still there and sticking around.

I’ve walked Bruce, but I don’t know how.

I didn’t walk him too far.

I’ve taken the “short” walks, around just half of the complex.

My pain has been so great I basically shuffle my feet while walking when I’m like this.

I can’t really bend my right knee.

So I have this awkward pirate limp thing going on.

It only hurts when I move.

If I stand, sit, or lay still, I’m fine.

It’s the moving that’s painful.

And every movement right now is excruciating.

I went to the craft store to pick up more yarn on Thursday and practically ran to the counter to set it all down.

My back was hurting so fucking bad from carrying fucking yarn.

That’s fucking sad.

I’m in the process of getting an ablation done on my L4-L5 (lower back) again finally.

I had the first “block” done last Monday – a week ago.

They just give a hardcore lidocaine injection where the ablation will be to make sure the procedure will work.

They have to do the “block” injection twice before doing the actual ablation.

So I have a follow up today and will be able to schedule the second “block” injection when I leave from that appointment.

(it’s next Monday)

It worked so fucking well.

It cut my back pain down to practically nothing.

I can’t wait for the procedure.

I have a nerve that’s being fucking pinched in that L4-L5 area.

(which is at the very base of the spine)

And it hurts so fucking bad.

I can’t carry more than three or five pounds for about a minute or so.

I bet that yarn weighed around four pounds total and I had been carrying it for three minutes or so.

My spine felt like it was going to break from it.

It seriously feels like a facet joint is just going to pop out.

And that was just from carrying fucking yarn.

It’s frustrating to say the least.

Every morning is torture.

I wake up and move and want to cry.

Everything hurts.

It feels like I’ve been hit by a truck.

Most of the time as I get up and move around, I loosen up a bit.

Like my pain levels kinda even out and I don’t feel as shitty a few hours later.

Well, this week the pain hasn’t receded as the hours pass.

It’s still there and just as sharp as when I woke up.

It’s even been waking me up in the night too.

I go to move positions and the pain levels are so intense that I wake myself up.

It’s really quite fucking annoying.

From the pain stress, I’ve been hearing random music and DJ sounds this week too.

Like there’s a radio on in the other room but I can’t hear what’s being said.

I can only hear the tones.

It sound like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons movies.

The tone is there, but the annunciation is not.

I know it’s because I’ve been so stressed about my pain levels.

I’ve been hearing a lot of murmurs while walking Bruce too.

It sounds like people are sitting out on their porches and patio areas, talking to someone about me.

But no one’s outside like that this time of year.

I always look around, and never see anyone.

The subject, when I hear any full words, is usually me.

The fact that I’m walking by.

Or it’ll be about Bruce or something.

The topic is always related to me.

Which is how I know that the conversation is most likely a hallucination.

Which is annoying as fuck.

But I am glad I can notice that it’s a hallucination today.

And not some ability to mind read or something like I used to think.

I haven’t heard shit from my psych NP on what to do about the antidepressant situation.

The fact that I’m not on one.

I stopped the Prozac again.

I don’t have any refills and I’m almost out of them, so, whatever.

He was supposed to tell me what to do by now.

I’ve left several messages.

But haven’t heard shit from that office all week.

That’s fucking dumb.

I hate that office.

I need to find an actual psychiatric practitioner.

A doctor, doctor.

That’s my goal this month.

To find someone who will actually remember me and my name.

An office where I’m more than a number in a chart.

I gotta get outta that clinic.

I’m glad it’s a new week.

I’ve been learning how to crochet the past few weeks.

I’m getting better for sure.

I’m slowly making enough granny squares to make a blanket.

It’s fun and keeps me busy.

I think it’s a hobby I can actually stick with which is nice.

I needed a hobby.

I’m really hoping this upcoming week is less painful.

But I’m still aching everywhere so I’m not holding my breath.

– Keren