As I write this my normally very narrow ankles are the size between a baseball and a softball.

Both of them.

My knees are swollen too and so are my shoulders and my back.

I can feel them.

I can see the inflammation.

The only thing that curbs this shit is a steroid burst. 

And I don’t currently have a Rheumatologist because mine quit her practice last month.

Fuck this shit.

I hate it.

There’s always something and I know that my stress levels set this shit off too.

So fucking annoying.

At least the voices aren’t acting up yet again.

Oh wait, yes they did a few days later.

A lot of radio noise this week.

Random music when nothings on.

All of this goes hand in hand.

It all blends and overlaps with itself.

It’s all too much.

I’m still worn out from the periodontal disease update from last week.

I can’t handle another RA flare on top of everything else.

It’s too fucking much.

Much too much.

I wish none of this was happening right now.

It makes me want a cigarette or worse, really.

I’m trying to not think about that though.

I’m trying to be strong but I’m tired of being strong all the time.

It’s exhausting.

I’m laying here tonight, ankles elevated, above my heart.

Trying to get some of this inflammation down.

I hate dealing with these fucking chronic conditions.

I knew I was due for a flare but I was hoping it wouldn’t happen till after vacation at the end of October.

It’s so draining.

All of the light is out of my eyes tonight.

(the next day) the swelling and inflammation has gone down a touch in my ankles.

Just a little bit.

I have a feeling I’m still going to need a steroid burst for this though.

I can see and feel the swelling in my knees and it’s significant.

(two days later) My swelling is just as bad if not a touch worse that it was yesterday and the day before.

It’s now Monday and I can get in with my primary care doctor tomorrow morning.

Thank fuck.

This is terrible.

I’ve been in so much pain the last few days.

Since Thursday or Friday of last week really.

(one day later) It’s Tuesday now and I got in for an appointment with my primary care provider for a steroid burst.

Now I’m having trouble with the pharmacies.

It’s never ending and I’m so uncomfortable it’s maddening.

I can’t stop crying today.

I hurt everywhere and I can’t do anyfuckingthing about it.

It feels like my body has been through a giant mixer and I’m bruised everywhere.

My legs are so swollen it’s hard to walk.

I can’t do this much longer.

At least they know me at the pharmacy and are trying to help me as best they can.

I just got a call from them and he’s calling the doctor’s office now.

Hopefully I’ll have some relief soon but I’m just in so fucking much pain I can’t do anything but lay here on my couch until the RX is filled.

I hate that I have to deal with this shit.

And it is shit.

I feel so fucking fragile right now.

Even my neck and face are swollen.

My ankles look disfigured, so do my feet.

(a couple of days later) I’m feeling much better now.

The steroid burst is on day three and I can walk comfortably again, finally.

That was a rough go for a few days.

My ankles are almost back to looking and feeling normal.

The only thing is that I’ve been having a lot of nerve pain in my left foot and ankle.

So much so I’m going to have to bring it up to the pain clinic  I go to again next week at my appointment.

I don’t know if it’s part of the flare or what, but it’s pretty painful every morning.

Makes it hard to walk.

I had two MRI’s this week.

Of my lumbar spine and the other on my left shoulder.

I had to go in twice to the imaging place this week because a camera wasn’t working correctly and they couldn’t capture my shoulder until the second time I came in a couple of days later.

Kinda frustrating, but I’m glad it’s just done.

MRI’s are not my favorite thing.

They make me claustrophobic for sure.

I had to start counting the seconds and minutes to keep my mind busy about half way through.

It worked.

I got through it and have an appointment with the pain clinic this upcoming Thursday to go over the MRI’s.

I can’t believe how much pain I was in this week.

I couldn’t handle doing anything.

Not even talking.

It was all too much.

I don’t know how I still walked Bruce at least once a day this week.

I couldn’t tell you how I did that other than power through horribly and cry a lot.

So many tears.

I even cried in therapy this week again too.

I know that’s the one place that’s safe to cry at, but still I don’t do that as often as I probably should.

I’m just so glad the inflammation is receding again.

That was too much to handle.

– Keren