I’ve written like four entries this week and hated all of them.

Now it’s Thursday evening and I’m scrambling to write something for tomorrow.

I just kept forgetting to write this week too.

I had a lot of appointments again this week and kinda got lost in them.

Good thing my symptoms have been at bay still.

I can feel them creeping up and in though.

Slowly.

I did some EMDR work on them today in therapy.

So, for now they’re staying a distance away today.

Which is promising.

I’ve been paying people off.

Not in a mobster way.

In a way of paying off some old debts.

And paying off some old credit cards that have been in collections for years and years now.

I even paid my Dad back this week.

And I owed him a ton of money.

He’s the only person that has kept me afloat the last few years while waiting for my disability to get approved.

It’s been a long road and he didn’t give up on me.

Which is huge.

So I was gladly able to pay him back and get square with him this week, and that has felt better than any other debt I’ve paid off yet.

I’m so grateful he was in a place to be able to help me while I waited for my disability approval.

That was huge for me.

Both of my parents have been very supportive throughout the last few years especially and I love them to pieces for that.

They’ve been a sense of stability in my life and I’ll always appreciate that.

I still have a few debts I need to get paid but my credit score has already gone up about ten points so that is really exciting.

I have I think just one old credit card left and a couple of old bank accounts.

Insufficient funds fees for sure, for sure.

Hundreds of dollars worth.

Oh well.

It’s been done and over with for years now.

There’s nothing I can do now but settle with the creditors and try to get things paid back down again.

I’d love to get to a point where I don’t have any debts left and I can work on rebuilding my credit.

I think that’s a good goal to have right now.

And it’s reasonable.

Obtainable too.

Which is amazing that it’s obtainable right now.

I’m amazed that I have the ability to work on paying things off right now.

That I have the clarity to not keep wracking shit up.

And in fact, am doing the opposite for the first time since getting clean years ago.

I’ve noticed I’ve been showering more often lately.

It could be because summer is still holding on.

It’s hot out and I get sweaty.

But my apartment is always 71° regardless of the temperature outside.

So I don’t know if it’s that per say.

I have been trying to get ahold of my depression issues.

I’ve been brushing my teeth again.

I heard this the other day and I can’t remember where but it really stuck with me.

Brushing my teeth for thirty seconds is better than not brushing them at all.

I really took that and ran with it.

I wish I could remember who said it.

But I can’t.

It just stuck to me.

Because they’re not wrong.

That’s actually a really great point and it stuck with me hardcore.

So every night I tell myself that and brush my teeth.

It’s been about two weeks now.

Which is huge for me.

I wish I didn’t struggle with self care, but I do.

Terribly struggle with it.

But I’ve been showering better the last month and brushing my teeth better the last few weeks.

So I’ll take it when I have the ability to do it.

I’ve still just been chewing my nicotine gum.

Still no smoking and I’m borderline proud of myself.

(It’s tough to be proud of something I’ve hated most of my life, but I’m trying to turn a corner.)

I have an app that says that I’ve saved over $300 now, just by not smoking.

And I haven’t smoked over 700 cigarettes.

That’s fucking mind blowing to me.

That’s a lot.

Like a lot, a lot.

It’s nice to have the validation.

The encouragement.

The proof that I’m doing something good for myself.

I’m grateful for the ability to reward myself without hurting myself now.

I used to think cigarettes were these little treats I would give myself.

But they’re not.

I was slowly killing myself and I didn’t care.

I guess I care now which is an odd feeling.

But it’s welcomed at the same time.

I did something for myself today.

I went out and got my nose pierced on the right side, twice.

Two piercings.

I love it so so so much.

I have two on the other side too, from years ago.

It makes me feel very pretty, and good about myself.

Technically she had to pierce me three times today.

The first one didn’t line up like we liked it to.

But the mark was in the right place.

The jewelry just didn’t sit right the first time.

So she redid it.

I’m glad she did because it looks so fucking good now!

The first time the piercings were just a touch too far apart compared to my other side.

But she gave me a slight discount for having to do the second one twice.

My eye watered big time and it took a minute to get it to stop bleeding before we could redo the second one.

But she did an amazing job.

I left them an awesome five star google review.

The gal that has done my piercings here is so sweet and nice.

I will recommend her for as long as she’s piercing!

And I totally appreciate her piercing me until it is right.

That means a lot.

Very professional and everything.

It’s nice to know that she stands behind her work too.

She told me if I ever hate the placement to come on back and she’ll make it right.

That’s great service.

It makes me feel good to have my nose done on both sides now.

It’s a healthy gift to myself for being a non-smoker and for keeping up on my good mental health.

Positive reinforcement is so sweet.

– Keren