I thought my life was going alright while in psychosis a few years ago.

I thought everyone else had the problems, not me.

Besides, everyone was talking shit about me all the time.

And I wasn’t able to put things together that well.

I mean, I knew something was wrong with me.

And I guess I knew I had Bipolar Disorder this whole time.

I knew something was for sure wrong with my mental state.

But I always felt like it was different than just Bipolar.

But I never knew what I meant by that feeling because the symptoms fit, right?

Depression and mania I was, like most, familiar with.

But the psychotic symptoms are very similar to the already known symptoms, they were just misunderstood.

I couldn’t see that my behaviors were psychotic.

Psychosis is villainized in pop culture.

Hallucinations are this obvious thing that’s understood is a hallucination.

When that’s just not true.

And it’s odd not having constant psychotic symptoms anymore.

I thought I was so normal while having them but it feels like now, with meds, my thoughts have stopped.

Sure the hallucinations and delusions are dulled as well, which is welcomed.

But I didn’t realize the medications would take all of my thoughts away like they have.

Because what am I like now that I don’t have a constant psychotic episode?

What’s my new normal?

I know how I used to act.

I was angry.

I was explosive.

Frustrated.

Embarrassed.

Confused.

Scared.

I still am some of these things, but they’ve shifted since.

It’s like they’re in a different place in my body now.

Like I used to be scared and confused quite literally about life.

Now I’m scared of the stability – it’s intimidating.

I would steamroll over and cross boundaries.

And I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m learning when to stop.

It’s just hard because I feel so passionate about somethings sometimes and I have to talk about them.

But not everyone wants to hear my shit and stories and I need to learn how to read a room better.

And my passion has got me into trouble in the past.

I can’t let somethings go when they need to be dropped.

I’m getting better at it, but it’s really quite tough.

I’m struggling with dating.

I want people in my life but it’s so hard to trust people enough to let them in.

I have a hard enough time making friends let alone getting a romantic partner.

I’m just feeling rather uninteresting lately.

It’s funny how that happens once the drama is gone.

It’s curious because I’ve lived like ten lifetimes and I still feel like I can’t hold a conversation. 

I’m very much moment to moment now.

I focus more on the day than the week.

More on the week than the month.

And that’s just where I’m at right now.

It’s interesting because since I’ve been back on (as needed) Haloperidol I notice a huge difference after I take it.

I’ve been taking it about once a day but I’ll skip a day or days here and there when I don’t need it.

But I notice when I need to take it.

It’s when my thoughts can take over again and I can’t even handle that shit anymore.

Like, usually now when my thoughts take off it’s anxiety.

My heart starts pounding and I start sweating, my muscles get tense, it’s a very physical experience as well as mental.

It’s like my thoughts start to consume me, and I quite literally feel like they’re eating away at my brain.

It feels like my brain is literally shrinking and shriveling up and needs hydration or resuscitation of some sorts.

And about a half hour or so after I take a Haloperidol, everything goes quiet again and I can breathe easier.

It’s like I’ve become scared of my mind in a way, ya know?

Like it’s too much to fucking take when I start back up in my old thinking ways.

And it’s not like a conscious thing.

It’s usually, like I said, the anxiety that takes over and tries to beat me into submission.

But lately, when I take a Haloperidol, I feel new normal, normal.

If that makes sense.

Everything just quiets again.

Almost to a fault.

But I’m not sedated.

But I am able to nap or sleep if I need or want to after I take one.

I’m not rid of all anxiety, but it’s close.

There’s no big side effects except for some slight drooling and a little mild shuffle to my steps at times.

Both of those are annoying, but totally tolerable comparatively.

I just had to take my migraine medication tonight.

I was feeling antsy most of the day and that can lead into a migraine for me anymore.

Especially at the level of antsy – anxious antsy, all day. 

I’m just so lost feeling some days still.

Like this new normal is just hard to take in some days.

It’s nice but very different from the rest of the life that I’ve lived so far.

The stability is just unnerving sometimes.

And not necessarily in a bad way, it just is.

– Keren