The past couple weeks I’ve gone to a life skills class at my therapist’s office.

They have an art room there too folks just hang out in.

Sean, my therapist, actually runs the group and suggested I give it a try.

I don’t leave my apartment but for therapy and seeing my parents every weekend, which is why he suggested it.

I know I need to be more social but it’s really fucking hard to while dealing with such behavior changing mental illness at the same time.

I’m unpredictable, which is typical at the therapy office, so it makes me feel better about being out in public.

They’re a group of people who are in a public place, that won’t judge or make fun of me.

Sean suggested this group, along with others at the building.

This is the only group I’ve been to so far.

The bigger, general groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays make me incredibly anxious, so I haven’t been to those yet.

There is a women’s group on Monday that I want to go to and see what it’s about, but this last week there wasn’t one because of the holiday and the week before my car broke down.

So far (it’s only been 2 weeks) I like it.

I don’t interact much, but I take notes and follow along with everyone, listening to their stories and comments.

We’re learning about Carl Jung and his “shadow” idea.

It’s the unconscious parts of ourselves that follow us around regardless of where we are.

It’s not all bad things, there’s some of the good parts that we carry with us too.

But it never leaves us.

And you can learn about your own shadow when you get frustrated by someone else’s behavior.

It usually tends to be reflective, and there’s something inside you that gets triggered by that person or situation.

And you may be upset at possible parts of yourself you don’t like that you see in that situation.

This is also how people project.

I think this is part of what I was trying to talk about this week, but it got lost in what I was trying to say so now I’m writing this new entry instead.

Going into the parts of ourself, it gets complicated quick.

And I feel like there are parts of myself that are gone, vanished, because of my symptoms.

Especially because of my psychotic symptoms, hallucinations and delusions with that damn paranoia.

I feel like I’m a giant puzzle, and there are random pieces of me missing.

Misplaced, moved, lost, or thrown away pieces that I can’t find to complete my puzzle.

I feel like these parts of me are long gone, but I can’t place what exactly the pieces represent.

It’s like they hold parts of my capacity, my ability to control myself, my communication issues, memory loss, ability to follow directions or instructions, because all of these pass by me and don’t hang on in or to me.

They fall away and are lost.

And that leaves me incomplete.

At the same time, I’m not really able to understand what exactly is gone and what’s still around.

It’s like I have lost multiple, little parts of myself.

I feel this way 110% more when coming out of a psychotic episode, doesn’t matter how long it lasted – hours or days and weeks, it makes me feel like parts of me fell off the whole and I can’t figure out what the pieces went to or where or if they even fit at all anymore.

It’s like the pieces morph and jumble themselves to further confuse me.

And I’m incomplete, trying to live day to day because it gives me a headache and incredible anxiety to think about anything longer than a week.

It’s like my brain can’t process some things because of these missing pieces.

But it’s not like I’ve lost my personality, but it is like that, all at the same time.

I know what I stand for, but who am I outside of psychotic episodes?

What do I look like?

Do I really have that intense fuck the world energy still?

Because I do feel that way still, just not as intense.

It’s just that I’ve been in and out of psychosis for much, much longer than I’ve been even 30% lucid, so, what does that mean for who I actually am?

Outside of psychosis?

Do I even exist outside of psychosis?

Am I lost and slowly finding myself?

Is that why there are missing pieces, because I’m supposed to find them again?

Or make another piece fit, one that I pick?

Or are they gone, and need to be replaced with new pieces that I’ll find along the way?

It’s tough because I don’t have the answer.

I don’t know what’s going on half the time and the other half is misinterpreted through hallucinations and delusions, so where does that leave me?

I notice I’m a lot quieter in public now, I’m not near as outgoing as I once was.

Since starting on antipsychotics, I feel like my “fuck everything” mentality isn’t as strong.

Especially against people.

I know my anger and rage have gone down drastically since starting the antipsychotics. 

So, if I don’t represent myself while in an episode anymore, who is that person?

Who am I with all of these bits and pieces missing?

And is it the medication or the psychosis that’s adding to my confusion of who I am?

It’s probably both, really.

And I know I’m all over the place, but there’s a method to my madness.

– Keren