patterns
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Medication Adjustment
Well, I’ve been feeling better the past couple of days. Getting out from under the couch blankets to finally walk Bruce around yesterday and today was nice. My cough is still around but the wheezing has let up. I feel… Continue reading
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Being Triggered
Everything is seemingly turning another corner for the bigillionth time. My aches and pains are dulling down to a point where I can walk my little walk with Bruce again. (Until the next flare.) Which is annoying because I could… Continue reading
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Being Too Much
The radio noises don’t bother me too much, especially the music I hear. It doesn’t frighten me like the voices do. The murmurs that come along with the radio noises are not fun, and it makes me feel overstimulated with… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Eight
I have been pretty stable with medications lately. I just got my Invega Sustenna injection again this last Tuesday. They had switched up my appointment without telling me but luckily the nurse was available to give it to me really… Continue reading
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Dreams or Thoughts
I keep having these recurring things in my dreams. I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me. Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back… Continue reading
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Imposter
It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks. I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part. I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes… Continue reading
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Stability
Stability is not always a given for me. I don’t think it’s a given for a lot of folks out there. I fluctuate back and forth between being lucid and not. And back and forth on my ability to be… Continue reading
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Complicated Phrasing
There’s that phrase that says you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. And I think that’s bullshit. I have loved many people while not even knowing how to like myself, let alone love myself. Hell, I just barely started… Continue reading
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The Foot Shuffle and Other Unhelpful Side Effects
There are several side effects from the Haldol that I’ve been dealing with. They’re pretty frustrating and annoying all at once. I know I’ve talked about the drooling. That’s still happening. It sneaks out of the corners of my mouth… Continue reading
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Childless
Sometimes I regret not having kids. I never wanted any, but I feel like I should’ve over the years. There was a time, a couple of months, where my ex husband and I were thinking about it. He wanted kids.… Continue reading
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Scary Relief
The voices are still here, in case you were wondering. I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others. And the last couple of days I’ve had some… Continue reading
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Dissociation
I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected. I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages. Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life. When I… Continue reading
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Shame
I think one of the toughest things with mental illness for me is overcoming the shame of not being a “typical” person. Because I don’t like the word “normal” unless I’m dealing with the smell of food. Like does this… Continue reading
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My Journey With Talk Therapy
I have had a long, tumultuous, relationship with talk therapy. I love it. I hate it. It’s alright. Fuck nah. Just to go back to it’s alright, again. I’ve run randomly through all of these feelings, sometimes lapping over another,… Continue reading
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Negative Symptoms
Negative symptoms are just as frustrating and scary as positive symptoms. I know I talk mainly about the positive ones, hallucinations, delusions and such. But negative symptoms are just as pesky and shitty as their counterpart. I’ve talked about it… Continue reading
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Self Talk
I have been starting to do more positive self talk this week. Just to myself, in my head. I’ve been really trying to tell myself that I’m a good person. And I deserve to take care of myself. That I… Continue reading
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The Impact
I’ve been having more good days than bad since getting used to the Haldol. Voices and visual hallucinations have been quiet and few, further between. It’s so fucking refreshing. My hallucinations have been showing up in smaller ways. And my… Continue reading
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Behavior
I’m embarrassed about my behavior in the past. I know it’s not good to stare into the past, but I gotta learn my patterns somehow – and reflection is good for that. I was just thinking about all of the… Continue reading
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More Auditory Hallucinations
There have still been some breakthrough symptoms being on the Haldol now. But there nowhere near where they were. And they’re showing up a little differently than they have been. The past couple of nights – after it gets dark… Continue reading
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Depression
Sometimes I feel like my depression takes a back seat to my other symptoms, especially my hallucinations and delusions. I get so worked up over them that I become blind to my darkness. It gets twisted into everything else. There… Continue reading
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Stability Loading…
I’m blown away by how stable I feel. Tired. But stable. Surprisingly stable. I was supposed to get my Invega injection on Friday last week, but the nurse left me a voicemail saying they had to reschedule me for after… Continue reading
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My Capacity
I haven’t been writing that much the past few weeks. Dealing with this medication change and adjustment has been pretty brutal. Very brutal. I’m starting to come out the other side slowly, but I feel like it’s taking an eternity.… Continue reading
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Anything Goes
Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today. And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling. Last week was no good for that, but… Continue reading
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Nomadic Protection
I’ve been told that I tend to drop things and want to leave people, places, and things once things get a touch easy. Or hard. Or stangent. Or if I just get straight up bored. I know I’ve thrived in… Continue reading
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The People my Delusions Pick
I’m friends with my upstairs neighbor. But the ones on the third floor are ingrained in my hallucinations and delusions. I have no idea why there is such a drastic difference in my perception of the two different apartments and… Continue reading
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Blurry Noises
I’ve been hearing crowd murmurs for the last few days again. They first surfaced when I was 19 years old. I remember the night that I first heard them. I thought It was paranormal, of course. This hallucination sounds like… Continue reading
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It’s Tiring
So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I made it all up. Or she was drunk like she gets. But she literally… Continue reading
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This Too Shall Pass
I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading
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Defining my Progress
I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading
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Stress Turns Into Symptoms
I know now that stress plays a huge part in my psychotic symptoms. I never realized how big of a role it carries. My symptoms are dying down again after a few days of being pretty heavy and thick. The… Continue reading
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Visual Hallucinations
I’m having a hard time letting myself just be today. I’m tired. Which probably doesn’t help. I feel like I should be doing more of something. But I don’t know what. And I don’t have the energy right now, anyway.… Continue reading
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My Relationship With Food
I’ve always used food to cover up my feelings. As a coping mechanism. A way to forget what I was so miserable about. I used to tell myself that I don’t use it that way. That food wasn’t an escape.… Continue reading
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Reframing
I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait,… Continue reading
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Self Care
I’m still struggling with the emptiness. It’s so abundant. My symptoms of hallucinations and delusions have been very quiet the past several days. It’s odd because it’s not that I miss them when they’re gone. It’s just that, from everywhere,… Continue reading
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Empty
I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is… Continue reading
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I Have to Balance
I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week. Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually. And I’m pretty sure that the recent… Continue reading
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Bouncing Between Delusions (and Hallucinations)
I got my Invega injection today. And I honestly couldn’t wait for it. I’ve been having some breakthrough symptoms this last weekend. And last week. It felt like all the peace I had with the six or so day run… Continue reading
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Chatty
I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself… Continue reading
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Negativity
It may seem as though I’m extremely negative while reading through my writings. That’s because I am. I’ll own it. I’ve grown into the negativity over the years. It’s been doomy in my head for decades now. In my experience,… Continue reading
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Holding Friends Hostage
Sometimes the people in our life try their best to understand mental illness. And it still falls short. Sometimes the people in our life won’t understand. And it’s not productive to hold that against them. There have been a lot… Continue reading
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Symptoms and Behavior
There’s a huge difference between symptoms and behavior. They do overlap. Quite often. And quite detrimentally at times. But they are very different parts of me. I thought they were kinda one in the same until this week. Behavior is… Continue reading
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Internally
I got in some good decompression last week. I can’t help but notice. That I’ve had a few days without symptoms now. It’s refreshing to not hear the voices constantly. Even though I don’t expect it to last long. Ever.… Continue reading
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that… Continue reading
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my… Continue reading
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking… Continue reading
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I… Continue reading
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Disconnections
I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It… Continue reading
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can… Continue reading
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Patterns of Good and Bad
Now that I don’t eat cheese. I see tons of commercials for it. Every style. Every type. Pizza commercials are the worst. It’s torture. I just get so uncomfortable. And it’s apparent directly after eating it. So much so that… Continue reading
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Appointment Reminders
My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 