I’ve been having some more aches and pains lately.

Not that they ever, ever go away.

But some days and weeks are better than others.

And this week has been more painful than the last couple.

Especially in my back and knees.

I know I have a pinched nerve in my L4-L5 area.

Which is at the base of my back.

That’s the one I’ve gotten an RFA ablation on over a half dozen times over the years.

It helps, but it’s not a permanent fix.

But I’m pretty fairly fucking sure I have another pinched nerve that’s in the works a touch higher than that.

I think it’s still in my lumbar spine.

I think.

But maybe my L2 area? 

As high as my L1 maybe even? 

I’m not sure.

I know I need to schedule an appointment though.

Fuck my life.

That means X-rays, and an MRI too.

It might be in my thoracic spine.

My mid back.

It feels like it could be that high.

But I can show my doctor where it’s radiating from and we can go from there.

I noticed that it may be a pinched nerve on Christmas actually.

I was hoping clean up and I got three quarters of the way through and my back was on fucking fire.

It was shooting down into my butt.

It was practically debilitating.

I couldn’t believe how sudden yet gradual it was.

It for sure made me angry.

But, all intense pain makes me angry.

It feels exactly like what my pinched nerve in my L4-L5 feels like before and between my ablations.

And then a day or two later I was cleaning my apartment and kept having to take breaks because my back was fucking killing me.

I had to keep bending forward and then back again to relive the pressure.

And then sitting down all together to help the spazzing stop.

And then the next week, post cleaning, my knees were so swollen that my jeans were extra tight around them.

I’ve been walking like a penguin with stiff knees ever since.

I even had to call my pain doctor and ask for a steroid burst.

It’s the only thing that helps relieve the swelling when I get like that.

But anyway, my back pain comes on quick and subtle all at once. 

It’s tricky.

I don’t want to wait until I can’t walk again, like I did with my L4-L5.

But I don’t want to do anything too soon either.

I want to make sure there’s a problem and not just a pulled or sore muscle somewhere.

Even though, this feels like a nerve.

This did not feel like a pulled muscle.

I want the imaging to be worth it though, ya know?

I don’t want it to be the same old shit.

Another thing that’s still been happening is that my heels are still going numb.

It’s only at night.

Or rather, really, in the early mornings.

I’ll wake up and they’ll be in heavy, heavy pins and needles and on absolute fire.

Nerve pain flames of horror.

It was like someone took the bottom half of my foot and is holding it to an open electrical outlet or candle prod or something.

It wakes me up from a deep sleep.

The only thing that curbs it is Gabapentin. 

I still have some left from when I was prescribed it and I take one only when I have the heel pain.

Because nothing will stop it and I can’t walk that well when it’s happening.

And no doctor can tell me why my heels go numb.

They’re clueless when I say this has been happening.

Besides my knees, toes and ankles, my legs do feel better overall from the vein ablations though.

They’re less achy, my muscles are less overworked feeling.

Less stiff.

For sure less swollen overall.

But the thing is that they still ache from the sclerotherapy and  vein ablations at the same time.

I have numb areas on my legs.

And areas that are extra sensitive – they feel bruised still and have for months now.

I don’t know when or if they’re going to go away.

And my physical pain levels bring on a sadness and a rage like nothing else does.

They create this deep level of agony that few understand unless they’ve dealt with it.

My mental illness struggles make me angry too, don’t get me wrong.

They probably make me just as angry as my physical health issues, but they’re different areas.

Different “pings” in my brain.

And they play off of one another.

When one is bad, the other flares up.

I’m getting nano PRP injections in my left big toe and knees this month.

In a week or two.

So that’s good.

I had to make separate appointments a week apart.

But they’ll do them.

I’m excited for them, but at the same time I don’t have my hopes too high.

It’s a strange mixture of feelings.

The doc told me that they use, basically, stem cells and then the plasma from donated umbilical cords.

They inject that mixture into joint spaces.

He said it shows promising results for cartilage regrowth.

So, we’ll see what happens.

Like I said, I’m excited, but I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve had regular PRP injections before.

That’s when they took my blood and separated the plasma and then injected that plasma back into my joint spaces.

It didn’t do much in the long run.

I do remember the joint spaces feeling cushioned for a while though.

So there was that.

So, we’ll see.

I’m hopeful.

It’s just so disappointing, dealing with physical shit like this.

It feels like there’s no good answer.

There’s no good response.

I’ve dealt with physical pain for so many decades it makes me feel like a lost fucking cause.

It gives me zero hope when I hear of the latest and greatest thing, honestly.

But I’m trying to stay positive, I am.

I’m trying to take in what my doctor told me and really listen to it.

Because he says he’s seen really good results.

So that honestly should give me hope right?

And it does to an extent.

But on the other hand, it makes me uneasy too.

I just hate having high pain levels like this.

It’s miserable.

I’ll be done with my steroid burst in a few days and I hope the swelling doesn’t come back.

– Keren