(this is my longest entry yet)

This week has been good.

Very few symptoms, but my anxiety is still rampant.

I don’t think it’ll ever go away.

Nor the voices.

I did have a few voices the other night and felt a bit manic.

I couldn’t sleep at all.

But that subsided in the morning and I’m grateful for that.

I hung out with my buddy on Wednesday and I’m exhausted.

(my pain levels have been pretty high this week.)

We didn’t do much.

Went to a movie.

Hung out at her place.

And I didn’t bail early this time!

So that’s great.

I had a psych NP visit on Tuesday this week.

It went alright I guess.

I still feel like he doesn’t really listen to me.

I keep telling him I’m dealing with really high anxiety and he just keeps upping my meds.

Not switching anything or changing something up.

Just upping.

Every single visit.

I’m now up to 4 tablets of 15mg Buspirone per day.

And now I’m up to the max dose of Prozac too – 60mg daily.

Instead of just giving me one Alprazolam every few days or once a week or so, and keeping my Buspirone at 3,15mg tablets every day, he just keeps pounding the Buspirone on me.

I don’t even think they’re helping that much.

And I told him that.

But he doesn’t want to prescribe me the Alprazolam even if it’s at non addictive levels.

I don’t get it.

Nothing is curbing my anxiety.

Not my TouchPoints.

Not breathing exercises.

Not walks with Bruce.

Not calming/mindfulness techniques.

Not fucking nothing.

And these intense panic attacks aren’t all the time.

It’s lessened to about one every two weeks or so.

That’s why I want the Alprazolam, it’s just needed every once in a while.

And today I feel like my psych NP just doesn’t want to help.

He also told me that my EMDR should’ve been done after three months?

He was confused when I said we’ve been doing this for the past year.

He didn’t understand why that was the case.

And honestly acted like he didn’t believe me.

He said usually it’s done with a specific goal in mind and for only three months at a time.

I told him that’s not at all what I’ve been experiencing..

I told him that we’ve been working on my anxiety off and on for about a year now.

He didn’t like that answer and just shook his head at me.

Oh fucking well.

He does that a lot to me.

Just shakes his head at me.

Whatever.

It’s annoying but I don’t really give a fuck.

Wel I do, but fuck him.

Maybe I can get Sean to write him a letter or something.

Tell him what I’m going through.

But my psych NP can do what he wants and think what he wants.

I’m not trying to change that nor do I have the ability to.

So half of the time I ignore his condescending actions and remarks.

He doesn’t know me or even remember me, ever.

Every time I come in his office he comments on how big Bruce is and asks me how old he is.

Every.

Single.

Time.

So why should I care about what he thinks of me?

Anyway, let’s move on and talk about my physical health.

My ankles and feet were so swollen again over the weekend and at the beginning of the week.

They’re still a touch puffy.

But the bulk of the swelling has gone way down and I’m so glad.

I hope it doesn’t creep back in.

My back has been feeling smoother.

I can tell something is cushioning my lower backs facet joints for sure.

The injection helped.

I’m not feeling and hearing the grinding sensation at every movement and step.

It feels like something is in there, softening the grinding sensations.

And my lower back isn’t as grindy as it was before the steroid epidural.

But I called my doctors office Monday afternoon on a hope that he could okay a nerve blocker for me.

Any kind.

And surprisingly he did, right away!

He called in Gabapentin, 300mg capsules for me that I take three times a day.

I hope I won’t need them after my lumbar (L4-L5) ablation procedure in a few months.

(or maybe I’ll stay on it forever! (keep reading))

But until then, I’m grateful to have something that helps with this extreme and intense nerve pain.

I’ve even noticed that my sweating has been easily cut in half this week and it’s still been upwards of 80° outside – at the beginning of the week at least.

Like today, I drank two cups of coffee and walked Bruce right away.

I was not profusely dripping sweat during the walk or after.

I had maybe five to ten drips when normally I would’ve been dripping sweat constantly during the whole walk.

For a long time now the back of my neck and two inches of hair all around my whole head would be soaked with sweat and I’d be dripping sweat on my face and back too by the end of the walk.

This week?

Cut in half.

Easily.

Just a touch misty is all.

Five drips or so.

Ten max.

I had a few drips by the end of my walks, but I was also wearing jeans and a hoodie this last walk today.

My sweating amount is easily, easily half of what it was before the Gabapentin.

And it stops much quicker too.

Instead of sweating for an hour or so after my walk, it’s now about thirty minutes of sweating.

And that’s without my fan being turned on even.

Then I googled it and found one article that said nerve pain, along with really really intense pain, can induce sweating.

And another article said pain lights up your flight or fight sensors and can either make you sweat a lot or nothing at all.

But then another article, a scientific article, said that in the lab, pain does not induce sweating.

It said that there’s no correlation of the two.

So I dunno about that part, really.

One says one thing another says another.

So I kept digging, and looked a little bit further, and I’m 99% sure that I have hyperhidrosis.

I mean actually, I’m 100% sure.

Which means basically, I have intense, extreme, profuse sweating for no apparent reason.

Not related to exercise or heat.

It was 56° on my walk the other morning, and I was sweating.

I do not walk fast – I can’t.

Because my face will be dripping with sweat for no reason at random times.

Most of the time I’m just sitting and hanging out, sweating.

My hair gets so fucking soaked it looks like I was caught in the rain.

(really)

I know I’ve talked about how embarrassing it is in past entries here.

But 90% of the time, it happens for no reason.

Because I found an article that went on to say that ”Some pills [nerve blockers]… block the nerves that trigger sweat glands. This can reduce sweating in some people.”.

Fuckin what?!

How is this the first time I’m finding out that nerve blockers can help reduce my random and intense sweating??!?!

No one told me my nerves were causing my intense sweating for no reason.

I’ve struggled with this extremely embarrassing, excessive sweating since I was like 6 years old.

Most days in the summer it looks like I just stepped out of the shower I sweat so much.

I’m not being sarcastic or embellishing either.

It’s a total fucking embarrassing thing that’s been happening my whole life, and it’s something that I’ve always hated about myself and struggled with.

Soaked clothing.

Soaked hair.

Out with friends.

At a show.

At work.

Sweating.

And it’s not even hot.

Sweat literally just drips off my face and hair for no reason.

I just want to be normal and not pour sweat every five minutes, for hours and hours at a time, for no reason.

One of my uncles sweats a lot too – one of my Dad’s brothers.

And my Dad can sweat a lot too, although his sweating has reduced as he’s gotten older.

And that same Hyperhisrosis article talked about how it’s passed around and down in families.

But I have always, always haaaaaaaaaated the amount that I sweat.

I seriously hate it.

I always look at other people and wonder how they’re not sweating becasue I always am.

But the thing is, I’m rarely hot.

I don’t overheat overheat unless I’m out waking a ton with Bruce or cleaning or cooking or something.

Steadily moving around for an extended period of time.

But I sweat all the time.

Constantly.

But now, I’m shook!

Nerve blockers reduce my sweating!

Who knew?!?

I never want to go off of them now.

And I even want my prescription upped to curb it hopefully even more.

So I’m going to be talking to my doctor about it this upcoming Tuesday at my appointment.

Who knew?!

– Keren