I’m feeling like part of my fear about fires that I’ve been writing about is partially a delusion that I’m working through.

Sure it’s anxiety too.

For sure it is.

But I feel like the bigger part of it is a delusion.

I say this because I took my Haloperidol for the first time in a couple of weeks the other day and the feelings about a fire happening and Bruce being trapped inside went down exponentially.

It’s still there.

But it’s not nearly as intense as it was prior to taking the antipsychotic.

So it makes me feel like I still don’t really know what I’m up against with all of this.

Everything spreads out my symptoms so they can have multiple sources, seemingly.

Delusions are tough to see through.

They’re actually impossible to see through sometimes, and I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind if the fire thing is partially a delusion.

The thing is that it’s not totally irrational, right?

Fires happen every day.

And delusions tend to be irrational.

Like my neighbors talking about me every time I go outside.

That’s irrational.

But fear of a fire is real.

It happens.

All the time.

Delusions are just tough to deal with in general and it’s even worse when they’re pseudo rational seeming.

To totally change the subject I officially have osteoarthritis in my left shoulder.

And I officially have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar spine.

I have a L4-L5. “diffuse disc bulge” that is touching the left side L4 nerve root in my spine.

Yay (scarcastic as fuck).

It’s just worse news after worse news.

My left shoulder has fraying in a tendon that’s attached to my rotator cuff.

No wonder why it feels like it “catches” on something – that’s because it does.

I hate getting imaging done because it always comes with terrible news.

I need another L4-L5 ablation.

That’s where they go in and basically cauterize the nerves.

But it’s like a four step, three to four month endeavor that I can’t start on until I get an epidural in that area to try to curb my left foot and thigh numbing and painful nerve pain and pins and needles issues.

It’s a fucking headache and a half.

I just want the ablation done but you have to go through these “blocking” steps everytime to make sure it’ll take and help.

I get it, it’s invasive and risky and they don’t want to do it if it’s not going to help.

But I know it helps.

I wish they could just take my word for it, but that’s a dream world where that would happen.

That’s a fucking delusion.

I’m just so tired of being in pain.

I mean, at least my pain levels are validated.

At least it makes sense with my imaging.

It would really suck if I was in this much pain and nothing was showing up.

That would be just terrible.

I need to get another round of knee injections before I go on vacation at the end of October.

But the doctor I see is really booked at the office I go to so I have to go to the other office they have on Tuesday next week to get them.

It’s an hour drive, one way.

fml.

It’s gonna be worth it to not be in pain for the flights (hopefully).

But I just realized I forgot to bring up a possible steroid burst for when I get home at my pain appointment today.

The drastic changes in elevation always messes with my joints.

I guess I could just call my primary care doctor again if I need it.

I just hate the entire healthcare system.

I hate forgetting things and having to advocate so hard for myself.

It’s absolutely fucking exhausting.

And then to get image results that are pretty crushing just put the icing on the fucking cake.

It’s all a huge game.

How the hell am I suppose to remember every single question I have for my doctors every single time I see one of them?

And there are so many doctors in my life I forget who does what when I’m in their offices.

I feel like I’m blindly walking into an exam room and have nothing to put in when that’s far from the truth.

I have a lot to say and ask.

They just decide what happens regardless of what I say.

But I am concerned about my flights making my joints swell up.

They’ve done that in the past.

I know I need to keep my legs moving as much as I can while sitting for four hours one way.

But I hate getting up on airplanes.

I’d rather be sleeping.

Oh, speaking of sleeping on planes my primary care doctor did give me a few Alprazolam for the rides.

So that was a huge bonus I wasn’t expecting her to approve.

She said she’s more than happy to prescribe it for certain, specific situations.

Which I’m grateful that I brought it up.

So I should, with that, and a muscle relaxer, and my knees recently injected, be pretty comfortable on the flights.

So that was one good thing that happened.

I’m grateful for my primary care doctor – well, she’s an NP, but still.

She tries to listen to me as best she can.

Even though my thyroid levels were really high and she didn’t up my medication back to the level I told her it was on with the generics.

But she did tell me if I start to have bad symptoms to let her know and we can repeat bloodwork and go from there.

So, she really does try to listen.

I just hate all of this.

I wish I never had to go to a single doctors office.

But with my conditions, that’s simply out of the question.

I have to go be seen.

All. the. time.

It’s a good way to drive my leftover, semi decent mental health into the ground.

– Keren