Well I knew this but I didn’t know it was that bad.

I have Periodontal Disease.

And it’s gotten quite a bit worse since the last time I was at the dentist just a few months ago.

So much so that I have to go see a Periodontist now.

Which is a type of dentist that works specially on periodontal disease.

The hygienist said that it’s less of a tarter issue and more of the fact that I’m losing some bone in a few places between my teeth and there’s not much they can do about it there.

That I’m “out of their scope” right now is what she said.

I cried.

Ugly cried.

The whole time I was at the office, after she told me, I just couldn’t stop crying.

I still had to wait for the dentist to come in and tell me I need a root canal and crown on another tooth too.

Fuck this shit.

For real I hate going to the dentist and shit like this is why.

There’s always something with my teeth.

The hygienist said from the looks of it this is more genetic than anything.

That there’s not much I can do for it besides seeing a Periodontist to get my gums cleaned out professionally and correctly.

Fucking sucks.

I swear, there’s always fucking something going wrong with me.

The big thing I noticed after I got home and showered is that I didn’t self harm after I got into my car.

I just texted my Dad a giant paragraph to let him know what had just happened.

I even got stuck in traffic for a solid 15 – 20 minutes as I was leaving San Antonio and still didn’t self harm.

I thought that was amazing.

I didn’t even think about self harming.

I just cried.

Even though I did have some suicidal ideations and wanted to drive my car into the median or off a bridge.

I didn’t do it.

I’m so frustrated with my self care issues.

I know that’s only part of it but the last month or two I’ve been really good about brushing and flossing again and I thought I was doing better than the last time I was there.

Not worse.

I didn’t expect that.

I ordered some periodontal toothpaste when I got home that was kinda pricey, but if it helps, it’s worth it.

I guess they only recommend its use for like 3 – 6 months, and before then you’re suppose to notice a solid change.

So it’s promising.

There’s hope, I guess.

Maybe.

Somewhere.

Even though it doesn’t really feel very hopeful right now.

It’s very discouraging to have poor teeth health.

It feels never ending.

Like there’s always something going on with them.

I haven’t been having much of any pain, so I didn’t think things had gotten that bad.

And I was just at the dentist a few months ago.

But I guess it’s a progressive disease and right now I need to just get ahead of it.

And the Periodontist will help with that.

I have a feeling it’s just going to be expensive.

Because anything to do with teeth is expensive.

I don’t really know what to do about that part yet.

I don’t even have a ballpark figure yet.

Just what I’ve googled.

Maybe it’d be worth it to start a go fund me or something for it.

Every little bit would help, ya know?

it’s just so hard being on a fixed income and having to deal with shit like this.

It’s debilitating.

I gave myself such a bad headache I cried so much this afternoon over this shit.

I had to take some migraine medication to make it go away and it always just exhausts me.

Crying exhausts me too though.

So does stress.

I just got done walking Brucie tonight – trying to destress, and my knees have been killing me the past few days too.

So that doesn’t help anything either.

Doesn’t help my morale at all.

It makes the crying worse for sure.

I’m so fucking uncomfortable on top of everything else today.

My knees have been hurting so bad this week that I’ve been having to lay most of the days.

I can’t keep my legs bent like they would be if I was just sitting on my couch or whatever.

I have to lay down a lot of days but this week has been rough with my pain levels.

I have just one more cortisone injection round before I can get gel injections in my knees.

Thank fuck it’s not too far away from now.

A month or so probably.

My eyelids are getting heavy and I think I need to just zone out, but try to not dissociate now.

It feels like I’ve been crying all afternoon.

Because I have been.

– Keren