I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday.

I didn’t want to.

Didn’t feel like it.

It’s been a rough week.

I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though.

So that helped a little bit.

I also had a haircut appointment that afternoon too.

And I actually like what she did, so that boosted my mood a touch too.

But I’ve just been feeling super out of it since that thing with my hallucinations posing as the neighbors this last Tuesday.

And if I’m being real, since the death of my Grandmother a little over a week ago.

I’ve been really, really tired.

Dealing with grief, symptoms, and avolition is exhausting.

It’s frustratingly tiring.

I had to go to the pharmacy drive through yesterday to grab a couple of my prescriptions.

Then I had to get my Risperidone refill from my mental health clinic down the street from the first pharmacy.

When I got home and I felt like I needed to fucking nap.

And I did.

I know that if I went to the gym I would probably feel a little better than I do now.

But I didn’t.

And I’m not.

So I don’t.

I’ve just been feeling paranoid around other people this week.

Monday, when I did go into the gym, I was really anxious and felt doomy.

Apocalyptic.

Like the ceiling was going to collapse and people with guns were going to charge in, wiping out everyone.

Everyone in the pool was way too close to me.

It was suffocating.

Even though they were the same distance away from me that they always are.

I don’t know, I guess I’m feeling even more watched than normal.

I feel like everyone is glaring at me.

Talking about me.

I know they weren’t.

That they’re not really.

I think.

But I don’t really know what to think this week about anything.

I keep getting scared that I’m going to fall back into a fucking deep episode.

Like one where I have to go to the hospital again.

My therapist told me to not consider it reverting back to a full psychotic episode with all of these symptoms and reactions that are popping up though.

To give myself time to heal and be patient with the process of coping right now.

Because I’m not where I was.

I am where I am now, and I can’t unlearn what I’ve grown with.

I think I know that’s true.

It’s hard though.

Because when I get to the point of being paranoid like I have been, I do think people are out to get me regardless of how much I “know” that they’re not.

I’ve never been good at being patient with letting this shit pass, and I just don’t want to slip back into another super intense psychotic episode again.

Even though I know I’m circling, surfacing and sinking into one over and over again right now.

I just don’t want to leave my apartment when I don’t know what’s real.

If I can’t trust myself, who can I trust?

Where does that leave me?

What do I do now?

I don’t want to walk around, obsessively recording everything like I have in the past.

Because when I recorded something that didn’t show up in the video playback, my psychosis took me to a level of delusion that that “proved” my phone was being controlled by someone other than myself (the CIA), I was being watched through the camera on my phone and laptop, and they were going to kill me, and are telling me they are planning on killing me.

It’s scary shit.

Because it’s true.

Right?

It’s happening.

Regardless of what I know to be true or false.

I don’t want to obsess over trying to catch what folks are saying or not saying anymore.

I have to just keep waking up I guess.

Well, I don’t have to, that’s my choice everyday.

I’m not trying to be a debbie downer, but that’s just where I’m at today.

I don’t want to get up off the couch.

I just keep laying here, feeling the paranoia and anxiety ebb and flow through me.

I can’t wait to go to bed everyday.

Sleep is one of my escapes, and I’ve been trying so so hard to not use it that way anymore.

It’s similar to food for me.

I overindulge and then wonder why I ache so much.

So I’ve been trying to not nap or overeat today.

I didn’t do a good job with either yesterday, but today is a new day and so far, so good with not trying to cover up with something.

I just keep reminding myself that these feelings will pass.

This episode I keep trying to pull myself out of will pass in time.

These psychotic symptoms will fade into the background again eventually.

All of it’s just going to take time.

And I have to keep reminding myself that.

– Keren