I noticed a lack of something latey.

Music in my head.

I used to have music playing constantly in my mind.

Tones that I had heard before.

Songs that I know.

Layered over and through oneanother.

Just, really, quite constant music.

And it hit me this morning that I haven’t had that lately.

Not in the past couple of days.

In the past couple of days the music has been very distant if heard at all.

In fact, I’ve been listening to music less in general the past few days.

I always have the tv playing in the background.

Spotify, television show streaming, everything.

Every second of every day.

Because I can’t stand the quiet.

I’ve never been able to stand it.

I know part of it’s because my auditory hallucinations and voices have always been able to take over much easier when nothing’s playing or on.

Of course I used to always think it was ghosts trying to talk to me even over the television.

Trying to send me messages.

Talking to me and about me all at once.

Come to find out none of it was ever real.

That fucked me up for a while.

Seriously.

Everything I thought I knew has been slowly disappearing as of last year.

And I’m still noticing things.

Like this morning with the lack of music.

I usually do hear (what I call) radio noise.

Crackling sounds.

Muffled timbres and tones of conversations happening with indiscernible words and phrases.

A clear voice momentarily saying a command, like “pick it up.” or “look up.” or “look at me.”.

An occasional “Her, she can hear me.” “She’s not looking.” etc…

And music.

Granted I’ve never paid attention to if the music is totally a constant or not, but honestly I don’t remember not having songs in my head.

And not like how someone would get a song in their head.

This is full blown musical scores.

Cadences, crescendos, bridges and choruses layered on top of one another.

All of it is vaguely familiar.

And they all are playing over one another.

One standing out momentarily while the others fades, only to have that happen again with a different song or tune.

Some as simple as a single flute. 

Some as complicated as Handel’s “Messiah” verses.

Some punkish.

Some hiphopish.

Some baroque.

Some modern.

It can frazzle me sometimes.

Be very frustrating.

But honestly, I normally find it a decent thing to deal with, because I absolutely adore music.

All kinds.

All timeframes.

I sang, classically, for ten years or so in my teens and twenties.

I love it.

I’m out of practice now, but I still just love it.

And I used to have tunes on like I have my tv on now.

I think I know why that’s changed too…

I think that my delusions and hallucinations got so thick that I needed a bigger distraction than music.

Use more senses.

I needed eyes and ears both to be attempted to being occupied, instead of my symptoms.

It didn’t really work.

It’s not the answer, but it usually helps, they both do.

They sidetrack me for the most part.

As long as it’s something light.

And I just now realized too that I got out of the habit of playing music all the time in the house during my marriage because my exhusband preferred the tv over music after work.

So I went along with it.

And I never really got back in the habit of just playing music all the time.

I need to get back to that.

I will get back into that.

But the lack of music layering in my head is a nice rest really.

I feel like I can think a little better today without as much noise constantly playing.

Like I thought to utilize the food bank for the first time in months.

Why I kept forgetting about it I don’t know.

I was busy I guess.

Busy doing something…

I’ve been stressed out though.

I found out this week that I have another possible four months before I hear from disability about my appeal.

That’s been super super stressful.

And then this morning my Mom called me to let me know her mother had passed.

My Grandma got really sick last Tuesday and never recovered.

She was 90.

And honestly more than just a Grandma to me.

She was one of my best friends too.

So, today has been tough.

And I’m surprised that the music hasn’t been so loud lately.

With all of this stress I thought they’d be louder.

Maybe I just ruined it by saying that.

But Grandma always told me to lean into the silence.

To try to focus on the birds and comforting sounds.

That “this too shall pass”.

And it will.

This feeling of loss – a piece of my heart is gone.

It will fade to a dull ache in time.

And it’s as if I’m scrunching my eyes closed, tensed up, waiting for the voices to get loud again.

Waiting for the stress of everything to surface.

But in the same time I’m embracing the quiet.

The lack of chaos.

I think Grandma is looking out for me today in that regard.

And I think the less crowded my mind is with voices and other hallucinations, the more room I have to grow and cope.

– Keren