psychosis
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Loaded Questions
I have been very awkward in public lately. I’m terrified of people talking to me. Or about me. Probably because I always feel like people are talking about me. One harmless side glance starts a wave of paranoid thoughts through… Continue reading
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Inner Voices
It’s been long enough that I don’t feel like I’ll ruin it if I bring it up now. My inner voices have been beautifully silent lately. It’s been about three weeks now. These are not the same voices I have… Continue reading
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Retail, Behavior and Social Skills
I always say that I’m not social anymore because of all of the years of retail I’ve worked. So, so many years of constant human interaction. Bad days, good days, sick days, it doesn’t matter. I have had to interact… Continue reading
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My [in]Ability to Think
I was approved to see another NP at the clinic I go to. I’m glad it moved so quickly. And I’m glad the clinic I go to let me get a second opinion with another provider. I’m just so unsure… Continue reading
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My Voices and Forest
In the recent past, my delusions grew and got loud enough to impact every aspect of my life. I have a tendency to become obsessed with certain topics – mainly people and conversations between us, actually. Especially a specific line… Continue reading
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Finding Parts of Myself
Everyday something new happens. Or at least, I notice something new about myself. Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now. Like how my mind overrides me. Like how I have white hairs on… Continue reading
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Lactose Intolerance
For the first time since starting this blog, I haven’t felt like writing this week. I know I will. I mean, I did. Because this is posted right here. So I know I did write. But I seriously don’t feel… Continue reading
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Madness Leaking
I went from hearing deafening silence for two days to hearing voices again. It’s legit soul crushing shit. I know my symptoms will probably never go away fully. But the two days of silence was very eye opening. It was… Continue reading
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Silence and Other Senses
It’s quiet this morning. Like, really quiet. It’s Friday, at 10am. People are out walking and driving and everything. But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises. It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums. It’s… Continue reading
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Addiction
For many, many years I have been trying to cover my mental health symptoms with substances. Especially my psychosis. Alcohol, pills, anything that I could get my hands on. I was in rehab about 10 years ago, and I remember… Continue reading
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super… Continue reading
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Core Delusion
I’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months. My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now. But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good. And that’s so much more sincerely said… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Two
I was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of… Continue reading
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Shifting Thought and Behavior
I try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force… Continue reading
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Paranoia, Hallucination and Delusion
As long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone,… Continue reading
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Changes
During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t… Continue reading
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Therapy
I have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent… Continue reading
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Splitting
I can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and… Continue reading
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Medications: Part One
My Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth,… Continue reading
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The Start
When I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. … Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 