Madness Leaking

I went from hearing deafening silence for two days to hearing voices again.

It’s legit soul crushing shit.

I know my symptoms will probably never go away fully.

But the two days of silence was very eye opening.

It was wild to hear something besides the constant murmurs and non distinct tones.

It felt like a month of quiet went by.

I have a poor concept of time from my psychosis symptoms.

I can’t wrap my head around it.

And it makes sense why now.

When I heard the voices pop back up, my anxiety went through the roof and I was shaking for hours.

I didn’t even realize how tense I was until I woke up the following morning.

The voices have faded out for the most part again today and the next and next.

Just hear and there sentences about me.

But nothing terribly mean.

Just stating what I’m doing.

I am so tired now.

I’ve been really tired this week.

My sleep schedule is unchanged and solid.

But, I can barely keep my eyes open.

I’m physically just drained.

Worn out.

Everything is so fucking exhausting.

The voices make me terrified.

I’m realizing that I’ve heard voices for a very, very long time.

But I didn’t even know what psychosis was until this year.

I had never even known it even existed.

I knew hallucinations and delusions, and their definitions.

But my psychosis symptoms have ran over me for decades.

They make me feel like a different person.

And not for the better.

Paranoid, darting eyes, untrusting, frustrated and clenched jaw.

My head feels like it’ll explode.

I remembered last night how much I would beg the voices to stop.

They say horrible, horrible things to me.

I thought it was my neighbors talking about/to me for so long because I didn’t know what was happening.

I was blind to so, so many things before this summer.

I would throw myself around my apartment yelling at the top of my lungs for the voices to stop attacking me.

I would violently sob for hours, begging for them to stop.

Every moment of every waking day is pure torture with this trash.

I don’t remember much from my episodes, but I do remember the pleading I did with them to just fucking end everything.

I didn’t even care if I ended up dead.

Just stop.

I just needed the horrible things being said at all hours to end.

I remembered all of this, the other morning.

I have been so desperate to stop being so ill and in so much pain, for years.

It’s not fair.

Why did I pull out the short stick?

How the hell do other people not hear the things that I do?

When will it stop?

When will it stop for more than two days?

It’s making me feel lost.

I feel so overwhelmed right now.

I feel like my mind will never stop working against me.

The voices were around for a bit this morning.

But they’re still very faint.

Only when I’m outside lately – which is nice, but frustrating.

And the voices being faint is not the same thing as them being gone.

I just feel so… worn down.

Emotionally, physically, all of it.

My entire being feels weak.

And I can’t get off my couch easily.

It’s like I’m glued down.

I can’t seem to think about anything at all.

My thinking and movements feel slowed.

The back of my eyes have a burning feeling.

My eyelids are heavy.

I’m unsure what to think about things now.

I know that I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately.

I know that that’s overwhelming sometimes.

And I’m glad I can’t unlearn any of it even with symptoms.

But a two day, new combinations of sounds, mutated into this fucking psychosis again.

And, things are hard for me to handle this week.

It’s draining.

I’ve put down and come back to and put down and come back to this same entry all week.

I probably won’t post anything else till next week either.

But, every day is different.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

People were talking about me again.

Several times.

Several places.

I can’t seem to not be brutally anxious the past few days.

Maybe it’s because nothing seems right.

And, lately, I feel like the only way I can properly communicate is through writing.

I can gather my thoughts better this way.

I’m less likely to cause a scene like this.

I’m much better able to watch what I say.

– Keren