Core Delusion

I’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months.

My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now.

But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good.

And that’s so much more sincerely said than I’ve ever been able to admit before.

I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am for these times of obscene clarity.

I’m having moments where I can recall things either from my teenage years, or just before, and then again around the end of March till now, this year.

It’s not a lot, but it’s something.

It’s more than I’ve been able to ever remember before.

I’m remembering conversations.

Just within the past couple of months, but damn.

It’s just wild.

I’ve never truly had the ability to reflect until a month or so ago.

I thought I could.

But every day gets a little clearer right now.

And as the weeks go by, I’ll remember one thing and that will quickly snowball into a dozen other dysfunctional and traumatic things that happened.

Thoughts and situations can flood back and make me practically physically ill to process.

I had this happen at my last therapy session.

As I was talking about delusions I’ve had.

I was able to focus on something that finally clicked into clarity.

Like a light switch.

I have been able to hear and see ghosts and energies, spirits – if you will, since I was around the age of 15, 16 years old.

I’ve always been known around friends to have a “third eye”.

Well, I’ve also felt like people follow me, and watch me from just out of view, peering out of their windows or trapdoors.

I’ve been surrounded by crowds of people talking.

I’ve been unpredictably paranoid of my surroundings.

I would hear these ghosts talk and interrupt while over the phone with friends.

It would sound like a walky-talky.

But no one else would ever hear these things.

Or see them.

When I’d hear spirits around I would talk about it.

Same as when they were seen.

People acted as though I had some secret power.

I knew, my whole life, that I could be a medium.

This has been the one constant thing in my life, this ghost delusion.

But, as my mind begins to be able to be just a bit objective, I do now, as of last week, understand that ghosts are not real.

These spirits that I would see and hear were nonsensical, incredibly random, and were absolutely encouraged by the people around me.

I have watched show after show of ghost hunter type genres.

It was when I thought about Ryan and Shane’s Buzzfeed’s Unsolved Supernatural that I actually put it together.

Shane is 100% in that ghosts don’t exist.

Ryan is 100% in that ghosts do exist.

Well, after many episodes and several hilarious seasons, they do not have any single grain of proof that ghosts exist.

They do a damn good job too.

And got nothing.

Over a span of five years and tons of cool places..

Nothing.

This lightbulb clicked on in me that was deeper than anything yet.

My being able to speak with, hear and see these ghosts is by far the longest and most ingrained delusion I have had.

There is absolutely no proof that ghosts or spirits or whatever name to put to it have ever or will ever exist.

With the amazing technology and sciences that are around and being developed nowadays, if ghosts were a real thing, there is no doubt in my mind there would be proof.

And there’s just not.

I cried tears of understanding and utter sadness last week.

How many people have egged me on over the years.

None of them are still by me.

It was always said that it was “so cool” that I could communicate with these ghosts.

No one pulled me aside.

Or inquired.

This has easily been happening since 1997, and no one blinked at it.

But, neither did I.

So there’s that.

When I really think about it, that delusion stopped after my divorce.

The voices got so verbally abusive towards me after that.

I haven’t even thought about a ghost for years.

Until this last week.

And then when I was able to sit on it a few more days and really think about it, I had to write this out.

It’s too intense for me to keep in.

My mind has been playing against itself for over 20 years.

How fuckin wild to have this realization.

I’m very grateful for how I’m able to begin to mend myself.

But sometimes, the amount of wasted and misplaced energy I’ve thrown away on delusions, hallucinations and the whole lot, is really, really sad.

I know I can’t unlearn what I know now.

That doesn’t mean I will never be knee deep in symptoms again.

Just the other day I was letting Bruce, my dog, eat his precious grass by where I park my car.

I was just standing there and heard “oh, is he sick? He’s eating grass. He’s sick?”

I said stop.

Not out loud, but in my mind.

I then heard “oh, she can hear us? How can she hear us?”

I quickly looked around, saw no one and again, in my mind said stop.

They actually faded out.

I was shaking.

But snapped back to it quicker than I thought.

I was paranoid most of the day still, but not many voices since then.

If that would’ve happened even a few months ago, I may have very well just chalked it up to spirits or ghosts again.

Not able to see my true illness for what it is.

Mind. Blown.

– Keren