I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend.

Fuck that shit.

I’m sick of it.

It doesn’t work.

I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up.

That makes my vision blurry.

That makes my body feel stagnant and swollen.

I’m really sick of taking medications that don’t even fucking help.

I’m just done with it.

And I also got my Prozac switched to Lexapro last week.

So that transition is happening right now too.

And I feel antsy as fuck about all of it.

I want to change everything in my life and nothing about my life all at once, right now, this very moment.

I wanted it all changed yesterday, really.

And I know these terrible fucking transitional feelings of restlessness will fade once the medication is out of me and/or settled in me.

Whichever the situation calls for.

I’m glad to be coming off the Buspirone.

It didn’t do fucking anything.

I think the Propranolol works better for me than Buspirone does, for my anxiety.

And Propranolol doesn’t work that well for it.

My blurry vision is coming into focus, slowly.

Sometimes.

The blurriness is still there, but it’s not anywhere near as bad as it was on the high dose of Prozac.

I can sort of focus my eyes again while reading or writing at times.

Which I had almost lost the ability to do.

I went from 60mg of Prozac down to 20mg this last week.

And I’m coming off of that dose of Prozac starting tomorrow.

I didn’t get any fucking direction on how to change my regimen to Lexapro.

My psych NP just wrote on the bottle for me to take ½ a tablet of the Lexapro for the first week.

Great fucking direction.

Good job.

I was the one who figured I should probably still take a bit of my Prozac for that first week too.

Bullshit.

They throw all this shit at you and high five you when you’re drowning.

Like that meme.

(see above)

Fucking rediculous.

I’m bumping my regimen up to the full tablet of Lexapro and discontinuing the Prozac all together starting tomorrow.

It’s a few days early but I don’t really care.

It doesn’t matter.

We’ll see how this shit goes.

It sucks because Prozac did work really well for me.

But I was over medicated.

For sure.

That’s why the blurry vision wouldn’t fade.

That’s why I was gaining weight.

I’ve got that medication change antsiness in me though.

Like I mentioned earlier.

It feels like my fucking skin is crawling.

It feels like I need to move myself to another state, today, yesterday.

Like I need to do something drastic.

It feels like everything bad in my life has been avoidable, I just didn’t approach the situation correctly, and I’m sitting here thinking about every single thing I’ve done wrong in my life and…

And I royally fucked my entire life up and have nothing to show for it.

And I hate, hate this feeling.

It won’t go away.

It’s looping.

All of it is looping and I feel like a total fucking failure that can’t even change or come off of medications correctly.

A lot of it is stupid fucking anxiety.

That doom, death, and destruction feeling that’s deep in the pit of my belly isn’t fading like it should.

Usually, that feeling is dipping in and out of my body.

But today, this weekend, it feels like it’s just sitting there.

Getting bigger, and deeper, and trying to engulf my core sense of self.

It’s scary really.

Everything about mental illness is scary.

It’s scary how I rely on these medications to make me a “typical” person.

It’s scary how out of control my mind is.

It’s scary how I can’t live my life without some medications.

It’s all just too intense.

It’s all just too much.

But I’ve gotta get these fucking prescriptions out of my system and settled.

I’ll feel better.

I just need them to be done.

I’m off my Trazodone too.

My sleep aid.

That happened last week.

I’m using CBD and CBG instead of any of that shit.

At least, I’m trying to.

I’m really trying to give the cannabinoids a good solid shot to work.

Especially for my anxiety.

I just feel like I can’t do all of these fucking meds right now.

I know I feel better.

And the medications are a main reason why I feel better.

But I’m over it.

And I know cannabinoids are not FDA regulated, but the cannabis plant has been used for centuries for anxiety and other ailments, so, whatever.

I’m just so tired of feeling stagnant.

I’m tired of feeling so gross.

Of not having energy.

And feeling stuck.

I know all of this is a lot on my mind and body too.

It’s a lot to come off an anxiety medication, a sleep aid and switch an antidepressant.

And I’m doing all three in a weeks span.

But things were not working.

And I hate it.

And I have to change something.

I’ve been sleeping still.

So that’s nice I guess.

Because I feel like I’ve been sleeping too much even.

I feel like I’m trying to just fast forward this part of my life or something by sleeping a ton.

And I don’t want to do that either.

So I need to find a balance.

But I need these medications to settle first.

It’s a lot all at once.

So I’m trying to be patient.

But I just feel like I’m gonna fucking snap or break in the meantime.

So I’m not doing anything drastic right now.

– Keren