I’m super antsy today.

It’s Sunday afternoon and I feel like doing something.

But I don’t know what to do and don’t really want to spend any money and everywhere is closed today.

So I ate something and am now laying on the couch, writing.

Trying to curb my almost antsy agitation today.

I took a break and just used my TouchPoints.

They help so so so much.

It’s like a game changer.

I started writing and then realized I should use them, and did, and I don’t feel nearly as antsy now.

In fact, I could use a nap.

So I took one.

This is now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling much better.

I was super fucking antsy yesterday though.

It gets old because I want to do something destructive, but I don’t, but I will, all at the same time.

And these are the times I used to turn to drugs.

Something mind altering because I can’t fucking stand that feeling.

But now, with the tools I have, I didn’t use and fuck up my clean time so that’s a huge bonus.

I did end up ordering DoorDash.

That was the food that I ate.

So I did spend something.

But not a lot.

Under $25.

I hate that feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin.

That’s what it feels like.

Like I can’t sit still.

Like the walls are closing in on me and I have to leave now.

I have to go spend money somewhere.

I have to get this feeling to go away somehow.

I have to ruin something.

And I’m so fucking glad I didn’t get or do anything.

I didn’t turn to my normal chaos that used to be my life with substances.

I wanted to so badly.

So badly.

And I have the money to right now too.

But I didn’t.

And that’s a huge, huge fucking step for me.

I’ve been so used to covering up how I’m feeling because it’s so motherfucking uncomfortable.

It feels like I have to move.

I have to gather everything I can fit into my SUV and move.

Leave.

Now.

Yesterday.

I used to think this was part of mania but now I honestly think a lot of it has to do with my addictive nature.

My stinkin thinkin, as they say in NA. 

I’ve been starting to slowly get rid of my weed things.

I had a blanket and pillows for my couch that were “bags” of weed and weed leaves and a pillow that says “blunt slut”, ha!

It was one of the first things I bought for myself, the new blanket was.

A super fuzzy, non marijuana themed blanket for the couch.

It’s the softest thing I’ve ever owned and I’m so fucking glad I bought it.

It’s soft and warm.

I struggle with not being wasteful.

I already have a throw for the couch.

But it’s got a giant marijuana leaf on it, ha!

But I needed to move on.

Not have it so in my face all the time.

There’s a Grouch & Eligh song called “Because”.

They talk about all these things they had to do, they wanted to do, and that they love to do.

Eligh has struggled with addiction and their music has been one of my go-to’s for years when I’m struggling with using thoughts and using in general.

Eligh says “put down the weed cuz I had to, learn how to breathe cuz I had to…”

And I can so relate to that.

Not because I wanted to.

Not because it’s good for me to not smoke.

But because I had to.

And that’s how I feel too.

I had to put it down, I didn’t want to.

And I’ve struggled with that my whole adult life.

I’ll start smoking again and then I’ll leave it for a while just to pick it back up a year or so later.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I struggle with chronic pain and chronic is the only pain reliever that really works well for me, with minimal side effects and that’s non-addictive.

Which the addictive properties of weed are disputed, I’ve never had a problem with setting it down.

Not like pills or coke.

I had a really hard time putting those down.

I had to go to rehab for those.

But weed is different for me.

I can take it or leave it whenever.

And I have always been able to.

It’s the wanting to that hasn’t been there till recent years.

And even then, like Eligh, I put it down because I had to.

I had to let weed go.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I had to admit that I was using it for mental stimulation too, and let it go.

It wasn’t easy.

Like I said, my pain levels are through the roof most days.

A “typical” person would be down for the count if they suddenly had to deal with my pain levels.

They wouldn’t be able to handle it.

They’re too high.

(no pun intended)

It’s too much and I do have to take something for the pain.

But now I rely solely on Suboxone for all of my cravings.

It helps so so so so so so much.

For me, Suboxone was a game changer.

Life changer.

When I started relying on it for all of my addictions and not just opiates, that’s when the gates opened and I could really start to see a change.

It’s another tool of mine.

My dose is sorta high (I thought), but my pain doctor told me that it’s totally reasonable the other week and I felt good about that.

The last thing I want is to be on too high of a dose.

But I guess I wouldn’t really care if someone thought it was too high.

Suck it, right?

It’s better than using and facing jails, institutions, or death (NA talk).

I’m grateful to rely on Suboxone.

That’s exactly why they made it.

To help addicts stay off of opiates and substances.

To curb cravings.

And it works for me.

Really well.

I keep telling myself that weed only fucked with me more than nature already has.

That it wasn’t helping me anymore.

And as sad as I was to see it go, I’m grateful for the ability to let it go today.

Being clean is an odd feeling.

Using tools other than drugs is even weirder.

But my new normal is full of stuff I never figured I’d be able to do.

– Keren