So, Thursday night last week I had some terrible breakthrough symptoms.

I kept hearing my neighbor (of course),(surprise, surprise), who’s my friend down at the end of my building, talk about me to another neighbor.

She kept talking about how I’m schizoaffective – schizophrenic was what she kept saying.

That they aren’t sitting where they normally do, so that’s why I can’t see them.

And she kept saying that I could hear them, but not see them.

And that’s how the voices have always shown up for me, same topics (me), different voice timbre, slightly different phrasing.

And I can always hear, but I can’t see them (unless I am having visual hallucinations, which are rarer for me, then I hallucinate people too).

But normally it’s like the voices can always see me and what I’m doing that exact moment.

They talk about what I’m doing and feeling and thinking.

So I walked a few feet down to the edge of the sidewalk by this giant bush tree thing, and looked at all of the balconies and no one was outside over there.

No one was outside anywhere in sight.

After I scanned the building, my direct upstairs neighbor (who I love) stepped outside to smoke and was on the phone.

She said hello to me and said something I don’t remember now but I interrupted her and I asked her if she heard anyone out here right now.

Because they were talking about me loud and clear just a few feet to my right.

She listened and told me she didn’t hear anyone.

I told her thanks and to have a good night, that I hoped the other neighbor would call me, and then I rushed to say I’m going inside then, sorry, laughed awkwardly, and went inside.

A few moments passed, and then I heard her again saying that I’m schizophrenic and she should call me but she doesn’t have her phone.

And I was now sitting on the couch in my apartment.

They were talking about knocking on my door, but she said she didn’t want to startle me.

I would look out the window (right next to the door) and she would say something to the extent of “she’s just sitting there”, or “she can’t see me but she’s not doing anything”.

So she said she would just call me, but she didn’t have her phone.

Over and over and over same subject, slightly different variations.

And guess what?

No one ever called me.

So that was all a hallucination.

Thank fuck I was able to fall asleep after that, well, I did take a Haloperidol that night, because, fuck that shit.

I texted my upstairs neighbor the next day saying that I was sorry for being weird and she’s the most wonderful person.

Told me not to worry about it – that it’s not a big deal to her and she loves people that deal with all sorts of issues, so I can trust her to approach this without judgements.

Which I believe. 

She’s always been super nice to me.

We bonded big time over the shitty third floor neighbors that were up on the floor above her last year.

She’s such a sweetheart and I’m grateful she’s one of my neighbors.

It’s nice to have someone not think twice about letting me know there’s nothing actually being said.

She didn’t find it strange at all but was happy to help and that’s a big difference from what I’m used to.

It helps me think that I need better people in my life.

More people like her and less toxicity.

I think I’m going to get back on Bumble and look for friends again.

I suspended my account a couple months ago because it was overwhelming and I wanted to get on the dating side but I’m really just waiting for something that I’m not sure of.

I just keep waiting for something to happen, then I’ll get on the apps and be able to make friends or date.

But what is that something? 

I have no idea, but I’ll know it when I see it.

(The next day) I have had an epiphany about my medications over the weekend.

Big time epiphany.

I need my medications to be my best self.

Period.

I touched on this subject at the end of my last post, but as of today, I’m not going to come off my medications again any time soon.

Not today, not tomorrow.

I’ve been dealing with these symptoms like my neighbor talking about me.

Loud and clear.

Just as if it were you and I talking.

And I fucking hate it.

It’s the opposite of fun.

It’s traumatizing honestly.

My paranoia gets mega amped during hallucinations too.

So not only am I confused, but I also get this tsunami of a feeling of being watched, spied on.

They can see me.

They can see me.

Are they going to kill me?

They can fucking see me.

That’s what also goes through my head during these episodes.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t control it.

That’s the mental illness part.

It’s all butterflies and bumblebees till a psychotic episode shows up.

But I’m almost excited for this chapter of my life (hopefully I don’t feel different about it tomorrow).

I feel like this is kinda what I was waiting for with what I said yesterday about knowing it when I see it.

I feel like I’ve finally started to accept my mental illness for what it is.

And accept the antipsychotics for what they are.

And the biggest one, accept myself for who I am while on medications/antipsychotics.

That’s a big fucking deal, yo.

 (The next day) I’m grateful that I’m understanding my mental illness more and more each day.

Even when I fuck up I learn something.

Because as much as symptoms suck, they’re a reminder of who I used to be.

Who I was when I was in anosognosia is not who I really am.

That version of me isn’t accurate but that’s the only version I’ve ever known and I really need to give myself the time to adjust.

So it’s just going to take time for me to wrap my head around the new me – this new life.

A more stable life.

I might be lonely right now, but I’m in a better spot than I ever have been.

I spent over 30 years in and out of psychosis, I need to have patience with myself.

The changes I’ve been going through the last couple of years while trying to find the right medications for me has been very, very fucking difficult.

And I know I have to give myself some grace, it’s just hard because I’m also very impatient.

So my little mentally ill, addict brain says I want things to be better right now or else it will never be better.

But that’s not realistic.

That’s not meshing with my new reality.

And I’m just now stepping into the world that everyone else has always been in and I have got to remember that.

I’m not used to anything in this new world and that’s okay.

I just feel so lost some days.

Everything is so new and foreign to me and the old way of doing things is just fucking comfortable.

My feelings are new, my mindset is new, my reality is new.

And acceptance and processing is just going to take time.

– Keren