This week has been up and down.

I’ve been going to a “life skills class”, which is a group at my therapist’s office.

I’ve gone the past couple of Wednesday’s and I’ve really been liking it.

We’ve been talking about Carl Jung, I think I mentioned this a few posts back.

But it’s been very interesting and I’m glad I’m going to them.

The sad note is that one of the guys that also went died last week.

It sucks, I really enjoyed him – he was so goofy.

And no one knows if it was natural or self induced yet, he was in his 50’s or so I want to say, so ya never know.

So we didn’t have group this week because it was his funeral and memorial service that day.

I was going to go but I didn’t really know him and I didn’t want to impose.

I know I could’ve gone, but I didn’t and that’s okay too.

It’s just so sad that he won’t be around anymore, he was like a staple in that building.

So, I’m sure we’ll be talking about him in class the next couple of weeks.

My individual therapy sessions have been really intense too lately.

I’m still doing the EMDR therapy sessions.

Not every time, but like probably every other session or so.

And I had a doozy of an appointment last week.

It was just really hard work, and I don’t really know why or how it works, but it does.

All I do is follow Sean’s hand back and forth for about a full minute or two, after we talk about my anxiety, and see how it makes me feel.

The thing is that my brain is making new connections when I go back and forth with the motion of his hand like that.

At least, that’s what I think is happening.

It’s making both sides of my brain work at the same time.

It’s basically reprogramming my anxiety.

Instead of there being a huge giant pit of anxiety in me, the pit is turning into just a hole that was dug out, and the shovel and the dirt are just sitting there, waiting to be filled in.

It’s like it’s fixing my anxiety.

Like, my anxiety is not gone, but I’m able to handle it a bit better somehow, probably 20% better.

Which is as much as a medication would curb it.

I don’t understand how following a hand going back and forth in front of my face can do this.

It makes no sense.

But I told Sean on Thursday this week at my session that it feels like I have a huge set of greasy, stuck gears in my belly.

They’ve been stuck in the same position and just clicking back and forth, like they’re trying to move, but are just going through the same motion alllllllllll the time.

And somehow, the gears are now turning again.

They’re rough and need oil and some work still, but they’re choppy and trying to move.

I feel myself not being able to hold onto anxiety as much.

That’s what we’ve been working on in therapy, my anxieties.

And somehow the gears are turning, they’re rough and loud, but they’re turning.

It feels like my anxiety is taking a back seat or something.

Like I’m able to handle it better.

Emotionally that is, and for now too.

Physically it’s still showing up pretty strong in my sweating.

I sweat a lot, it’s embarrassing.

I went to the laundromat on Wednesday this week and was sweating so bad there that my hair was drenched.

Like it looked like I had just gotten out of the shower.

Soaked.

Embarrassing.

But I can’t control it, and I know deep down, my anxiety makes my body react and sweat uncontrollably.

The real test for EMDR will be to see if that goes away eventually.

Oh I hope it does!

Because now it feels like it’s almost gotten fucking worse somehow, the sweating has.

I don’t know if my body is just purging.

Or if it’s cuz the weather got hot.

Or because of the therapy.

Or all of the above.

But something has set off my physical responses to my anxiety.

It’s worse than it’s been ever.

I just keep blaming the heat down here, but I think that’s only a part of it.

The EMDR therapy is really quite powerful and I do think it has just dug up chunks of anxiety that are working their way through the gears.

We’ll see what the next steps are, but so far it’s been very helpful.

It’s like my anxiety isn’t in the driver’s seat now.

It’s not taking over my mind right now, and I hope that’s not temporary.

I hope I feel this way even in the middle of an episode, but time will just have to tell with that one.

I doubt I’ll be able to control it, just like I can’t control my psychosis.

It pops up when it wants to.

In therapy, we’ve also been working on my anxiety with the voices that show up.

It hasn’t quieted the voices at all, not in the least bit, but my anxieties around it are diminished probably by 20% too.

My heart isn’t pounding through my chest when I have voices and hear the comments and narrations.

Not today at least, and I’ll take that.

The big force around my anxiety is fear.

The voices scare me.

The hallucinations and delusions frighten me to no end but I’m hopeful that they won’t be as terrifying tomorrow, or the next day, all because we’ve been working on my anxiety.

Pretty fuckin encouraging for sure.

But we’ll see if any of it holds with psychosis.

I’m not gonna hold my breath.

– Keren