My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week.

Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night.

It’s terrible really.

I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my body hurts badly from arthritis.

It hurts every time I move around in, especially when I’m trying to sleep, I wake up every thirty minutes because my shoulder or my knees or back or ankles or a combination of those things, hurt so fucking bad.

These areas can just throb and ache and have shooting, grinding pains.

I’ve even been taking my Trazodone for sleep and I still keep waking up with these pain levels.

All of it is so fucking maddening.

The pain levels are so intense mixed with a lack of sleep makes for prime space for my voices to show up too.

And they’ve been showing up more.

They’ve gotten louder the past two or three days of so.

I do get my Invega injection next week though too, so breakthrough shit is right on time anyway.

But the lack of sleep, and the pain within itself, isn’t helping.

I swear I was up every hour the other night in excruciating pain.

My left shoulder feels like it’s out of socket and my knees feel so fucking raw and bruised inside.

I can feel my body’s weaknesses, and it’s growing, getting bigger and bigger, and that’s scary.

I can only stand for about 6 minutes at a time.

Walk for about 10.

I can’t do those things back to back and I also need resting time after of about 20 minutes before I can “comfortably” move around again.

Really it’s just so I can let my joints calm down from the big pain and dull down to the typical levels of aches.

It’s sad and annoying as fuck to not be able to do much physical activities anymore.

I just feel like my body is failing me.

It’s hurtful in more than one way too.

It’s not looking good for my later years in life in regards to my mobility and that makes me fucking anxious and wish I had done a better jobs being a human.

It’s very daunting in many ways though, not just in a future outlook, but a present one too.

It makes me super super sad to not be able to function that well physically and mentally.

One not working well is hard enough, but both of them? at the same time?

Fuck my life.

I don’t want to come off as whiny, but it’s just that high pain levels fuck with my head already and enough.

Then add my mental illness issues and it’s a constant shitshow.

No wonder why I was so used to being chaotic.

I have had severa ltherapists tell me that my life is seemingly in constant chaos.

They’re not wrong.

I had my psych NP appointment on Tuesday afternoon this week, it went surprisingly well, and we did end up switching my antidepressant.

He switched me from Zoloft to Prozac.

So, we’ll see.

I know I’ve had some really stressful things happening within the last 6 months.

Sad weeks.

Grieving days.

Sad days.

Grieving weeks.

Days where I’m sure Zoloft was trying to help a little bit.

And then days where I sometimes feel like the bigger my dose got the worse my depression got.

It’s odd.

So I’m hopeful with the change.

Hopeful that it’ll work with me a little better.

I mean, today is day four of it, and last night I slept significantly better than I have within the last week or so.

And I was able to nap today which I haven’t been able to do that in over a week now due to pain levels and migraines and thinking too much.

It’s wild to me how debilitating life can be, especially when there’s no one to blame but myself and “the man”.

It makes things sorta lonely sometimes.

It’s hard to work on myself, it’s a difficult task for anyone.

Lately, I’ve felt like giving up, but I know better days will be here at some point.

But is that point on the horizon yet?

Am I able to do this?

Today, yes.

Today I can do this, and I’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow, and so forth, and it seems to be not as daunting.

Still anxiety and paranoia central, but not as much everyday weight being carried that way.

But I tell you what, it’s hard to focus on anything while in intense pain like I’ve been having.

It’s like my brain has turned to mush with the pain and every feeling rolled over every other feeling, and my own situation is stressing me out.

But all in all I did good today.

I did a lot of self care and was able to do self care.

Today wasn’t bad, and the pain is still here.

Just not as bad as yesterday.

– Keren