I had a dream the other night that I was stabbed again.

But this time it wasn’t real.

I woke up out of breath.

I had gotten into some sort of altercation with another woman and she stabbed me in the same spot I was stabbed years ago but much, much deeper.

I could feel a warmth gushing out of me.

My vision went into a tunnel and was black.

I lost consciousness and woke up to being thrown in the shower.

The woman who stabbed me was trying to clean me up and cover her tracks.

I heard sirens and then I woke up from the dream.

I laid there for a minute because I had just had the thought “I think I’m dying” just before waking up.

I laid there for about an hour before I could get back to sleep again.

That was a very, very vivid dream.

It’s odd how things come back to the surface in dreams like that.

Even just thinking about it now, my heart is in my throat.

I woke up so incredibly anxious.

It’s so strange how anxiety and trauma manifests itself over the years.

(the next day) It’s wild how trauma never really leaves us.

It can morph and come up in different ways.

But it’s always there.

Just around a corner.

I still remember being stabbed in real life.

It’s very vivid to me still.

It felt like I was fending her off for hours but it was really seconds, possibly a few minutes.

I remember I smacked my hand on a parking meter and fractured my right thumb trying to get her away from me.

What a shitty day.

I had gotten into my first car accident (where I was driving) the night before too.

That 24 hour span was horrible.

(an hour later) My therapist said the other week that he didn’t even know what we could work on right now in reference to EMDR work.

I told him I can think of endless things to work on.

Maybe I’m not being open enough with him.

It’s hard though because I know he’s leaving at the end of the year.

So why bring anything else up?

But that only hurts myself at the same time.

Because I have many, many things that I need to work on that I can think of just off the top of my head.

My marriage.

The stabbing.

The car accidents.

My anxiety.

My depression.

My childhood.

My addiction issues.

My delusions.

My hallucinations.

Being physically assaulted.

The patterns at my employment places.

I could go on and on.

What did he mean by there was nothing he could think of to work on right now?

I came up with all of that in three seconds.

(a few days later) Maybe I’m not bringing things up to him because I’m trying to protect myself from being left behind again.

Today he had invited the new therapist, Jessi, into our session.

I got her up to speed on quite a bit in an hour.

I talked about my psychosis journey and the effects of the antipsychotics clearing up my mind so efficiently.

I talked about the church a bit because Sean had brought up the whole “we don’t call this place RCA” to her.

Which I appreciated immensely.

We talked a bit about my week and how productive I have been before going on vacation.

I got my oil changed, filled up the tank with an additive before fueling up.

Took the recycling in and the garbage out.

Went to the grocery store.

Got my knees injected and got a steroid burst for my joints just in case the plane ride fucks with my joints (I’m sure it will).

I totally forgot to bring up the dream though.

How trauma is so close and so far away all at once.

Next time I’ll try to remember.

All in all I’m glad I kept my vacation plans for next week.

I thought about canceling so many times because what about the money?

What happens to the money once it’s gone?

But it won’t be all gone.

I get paid tomorrow and the SSDI payment comes in another few days too.

So that on top of what I already have will be just fine for me to go and come back without spending too much.

I’m excited to get my tattoos finished up.

We decided to kinda piece them together with adding some stars and swirls and dots and stuff in the background to tie it into one big piece instead of three separate pieces.

We’re planning on two four-ish hour sessions and I’m so thrilled about it all!

I’m excited to get out of town.

I haven’t left here since I moved down here about three years ago now.

It’s time for a vacation, for sure.

We started this tattoo when I was living in Montana still.

2017 I think honestly.

So it’s about time to get this finished up too.

And we’re due for a get together and catch up too.

I haven’t seen my dear friend since 2019 I think.

Sure we follow one another on fb and insta, but it’s not the same as face to face time.

It’s gonna be good.

I’m going to try to write throughout the week still so I can post while out of town.

But if I don’t get to it, I don’t get to it till I get home and that’s okay too.

But I bet I’ll write throughout.

It’s hard not to.

I am just going to be kind to myself this week.

That’s my main goal.

I’m not going to worry about things and really enjoy this time away from the daily grind.

I’ve been slowly packing over the last week and keep double checking my bag to make sure everything’s in there that needs to be.

I can’t wait for Monday.

– Keren