It’s been a great week.

And it’s only Tuesday as I start this entry.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that.

Today I got some of the backpay from my disability claim.

I was able to pay off some old credit card debt and am super grateful I was able to do that.

Not only did getting the money give me a sense of relief from knowing that I do have disability and the decision is approved and final now, but the security of having my own money again is just huge for me.

It feels like a literal weight has come off of my shoulders.

Like my breathing is suddenly deeper and better.

It feels almost surreal.

Like this is a dream and I’m going to wake up and still be waiting for a decision.

I thought it’d be more climactic than this.

Like, there should be confetti coming down from the ceiling or something.

But that never happened and the world just continues turning and moving and shaking and going.

And in the mean time, I have disability now, and that’s amazing.

I know looking in, it may not seem like an opportunity, but it really is.

It’s an opportunity to work on myself.

To have the time and resources to better myself and get used to this whole schizoaffective diagnosis.

To baby my knees, ankles, shoulder and back and get some physical relief.

To focus on myself for once, not work.

The last three years aged me significantly while waiting for a favorable decision.

Three years of being on the edge of my seat and not knowing what’s around the next corner.

I guess I still don’t know what’s around the next corner, but it feels more reasonable now.

I’ve just waited for this moment for years and I still can’t believe it’s actually happening.

It feels surreal.

My anxiety is fading not only from getting disability approved, but from all of the EMDR therapy work I’ve been doing too.

I’ve been using my TouchPoints everyday.

Tonight (it’s now Wednesday) when I used them I got this new feeling of warmth in my gut.

Deep down in me it’s like something started a fire and got warm feeling.

I haven’t had this experience with the TouchPoints yet.

I get that feeling in therapy when we do the eye movements a lot.

But the TouchPoints have been showing up more in my head and chest, not in my gut like that.

I don’t know what it means or if it means anything really besides the fact that they’re working really well.

Besides the fact that that’s what they do.

EMDR is about processing things differently and releasing tension and trauma and I think I hit some sort of milestone tonight with them.

It’s a curious process.

I got my Propranolol upped also which helps lessen my anxiety immensely.

Not the dosage, but the amount of times I take it.

Now it’s twice a day with an extra dose in case I need it in the middle of the day.

It’s been helping a lot.

All of this work on my anxiety has been making a huge change in me.

I can slowly feel everything shifting and moving inside of me.

Especially after the TouchPoints session tonight.

It’s now Friday and I haven’t smoked a cigarette in exactly six weeks to the day.

That’s something to be proud of myself for.

I had something kinda big happen yesterday too.

My therapist told me he’s leaving the state at the end of the year.

This news hit me really hard because the week had been great until this.

I started crying after he told me.

I said “I shouldn’t be crying.”

And he said “Yes, you should.”

That just made it worse.

Because I just got to a point where I can trust him and really dive into some of these things that I do, and that happens in my life, and now he’s leaving.

My depression has been idle at the base of my neck this month and this is starting to stir it up a bit.

I can feel the darkness creeping in because yet another person is leaving in my life the second I get comfortable with them.

This seems to happen every time I get to this point with therapists.

The second I get even close to a maintenance point, they leave the practice or state or whatever.

And then I have to start over with someone new.

A-fuckin-gain.

I’m not looking forward to the change.

I debated quitting therapy for a while but that’s just going to hurt me way more than help me.

I just feel so suddenly lost.

I knew something shitty was going to happen.

I could feel it.

Things don’t go good without something shitty happening suddenly.

I just felt so panicked yesterday after he told me.

And then today I feel lost.

Left behind.

Like there’s a hole in me again.

The same hole that pops up when people leave.

Every time someone leaves.

I usually try to leave first, but this time I didn’t see this one coming.

I just don’t know what to do about anything right now.

I’ve been panicking.

Thinking about canceling my vacation.

Thinking about moving back to Colorado.

Thinking outside the box now.

Because I thought I could keep making progress with him, but that’s almost done now.

And I need to move on.

Fuck.

This week had actually been going so good until yesterday.

Now I don’t know what I’m doing.

– Keren