You heard it folks, I’m officially done with cigarettes.

It’s been a nasty and long relationship, but I’ve whipped out my white flag to shake around and have surrendered.

I’m not buying anymore tobacco.

Hopefully ever.

It sucks.

I’ll be honest.

I love smoking.

But I’ve been smoking since I was 16 years old.

And I was starting to get super wheezy.

I’ve been wheezy for a few years now.

It’s gone away pretty quickly.

And I keep seeing these quit smoking ads and they’ve been replaying in my mind.

The last few weeks I haven’t been satisfied with a single cigarette.

Like, I’d smoke one and feel like I just need another one right away.

Cig after cig after cig I’d just need another one and another one.

And I realized I was chain smoking.

And that’s when I cut myself off.

Because no matter how many I smoked, it wasn’t satisfying.

And that’s the thing with cigarettes, they’re satisfying.

That’s the whole pull of them.

Unsatisfied with life? 

Smoke a cigarette.

Want to feel better about life?

Smoke a cigarette. 

I smoke one and feel smarter, better, less angry, less anxious.

But not the past couple of weeks.

It’s been cig after cig of unsatisfied cravings.

And that’s where I draw the fucking line.

It wasn’t serving me anymore.

I never thought I’d quit.

But, here I am, quitting.

Turns out, there are some studies that say Buspirone helps with smoking cessation and that’s my newest anti-anxiety medication.

And they say it works especially well in the cases of cocaine abuse, and that’s been a problem for me in the past as well as opiates. 

Curious.

Some studies say that it mainly helps with the anxieties that are linked to quitting smoking.

Which I couldn’t agree with more.

Makes total sense.

It has absolutely helped me.

The lower dose I was on for the first month and a half – 5mg, twice daily, didn’t do much to help me quit.

But when my psych NP bumped that up to 15mg, twice a day, within weeks I was sick of smoking.

It’s wild how so many medications can have terrible side effects until Buspirone popped up with an awesome one.

I was hoping one of these meds could get me off the cigarettes for good.

I’ve been seeing a ton of quit smoking ads too, on tv.

The ones with people who have distorted voices and partial missing chins and jaws from tobacco use.

I kept threatening to call the quit number, but never did.

But I’m grateful that I got sick of cigarettes.

I didn’t think that would ever happen.

Cigarettes corner people.

They get you to need them when you’re down. 

And then they keep you there while giving you a false sense of satisfaction.

I don’t think a day will ever pass now where I don’t want a smoke.

I think it’ll always be there until enough time has passed.

How much time that is, I have no idea.

But I bet I’ll always want one.

I bet it won’t go away quickly.

At least it feels like it right now.

I mean, it’s been over 20 years of turning to cigarettes every day, tens of times per day.

I got some nicotine gum and a juul and they’ve been lifesavers.

They’ve been really helpful tools that I felt bad about needing at first.

I felt really shitty this morning about needing help with this.

But hell, I’d rather be addicted to a gum temporarily than keep smoking.

I’d rather hit a juul a couple of times than light up a smoke.

I’m sure I smell better already.

Ha!

I just feel like an adult now.

I feel like I’ve been stuck at age 26 for a long time and I’m just now busting out of that feeling.

I think it’s from the mental illness.

Thinking I’m invincible still in some areas has been eating me up inside.

I feel like if I can quit smoking, I can do anything!

The world feels a bit more controllable, even though I know it’s not.

But I’m grateful for that feeling today.

I feel like I can do anything now.

I have to thank not only my hard work, but the help of medications again.

If the Buspirone didn’t help aid smoking cessation, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I wouldn’t be in this position.

I wouldn’t be able to step back and see that what I’m doing isn’t helpful.

Because I still have a hard time seeing what’s best for me.

But the meds are helping for sure.

And this is just another example of that.

Today, I’m a non-smoker.

And I never thought I’d say that.

– Keren