I just got done with a life skills group at my therapists office and I’m now almost out of control angry.

I almost self harmed again on the way home.

But instead, I cried.

We’re learning about a therapy type called “Internal Family Systems” or IFS. 

It’s basically about how everyone is made up of many parts of themselves.

Parts that are hurt, and parts that are trying to protect the hurt ones, and parts that are trying to manage everything and everyone.

And countless other parts.

Well, I feel like a lot of this doesn’t apply to me.

I mean, I get it, and it kinda does.

But it seems like everyone else is making these connections that I just don’t have.

Psychosis is a different beast.

I don’t think it’s a “part” of me at all.

I don’t really think much of this is relevant to me right now.

Maybe it just makes me mad that other people know why they act the ways they do and I don’t understand psychosis at all.

No one does.

It’s not logical, but quite the opposite.

And maybe I’m just mad because everyone was wanting to talk today, and everyone was talking over everyone else, trying to get their point out there, when it was really just overlapping conversations that were really triggering.

I want to use right now.

I have no money, but that’s never stopped me before.

But I’m not going to use today.

I don’t wanna fuck up my clean time.

I feel like I need to though.

Like I can’t cope.

I can’t sit in my own skin right now.

I don’t know why I get so fucking angry.

I was seething all the way home and didn’t notice that my jaw was very tightly clenched until walking up to unlock my apartment door.

I seriously hate people a lot of the time.

They’re confusing, and always want the spotlight, and they walk all over one another.

Thinking that they know more than the others.

I did have a whole entry on intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations I was going to post this week, I already wrote it and everything.

And maybe writing about that again this morning, before group, triggered me too and I just didn’t notice.

Either way I feel like trash now.

This is why I don’t open up to people.

Becasue they don’t fucking get it.

I’m not saying I have it harder than everyone else but at the same time, that’s kinda true.

I’m not in a third world country or anything, I have food in my fridge and a roof over my head, but I do deal with psychosis.

And the bulk of people do not live with a psychotic disorder.

So very little is actually known about it.

So they come up with these alternative thoughts of how the brain is categorized or whatever, like IFS.

It’s just people trying to find the answer, and I don’t think there is one answer for how the brain works.

Or one answer regarding what the brain is made up of.

I don’t know why everything made me so fucking mad today.

Maybe part of it stems from me not being able to apply the material to my life all that well.

Or maybe I’m just having a bad day.

And it is frustrating to not fully understand what I’m up against.

I also sorta feel like an imposter today.

Like I don’t deserve to be lucid today.

I don’t deserve music, is what I told myself on the silent ride home from group today.

I don’t deserve anything nice like that.

And it just made me cry more.

Sometimes I feel like I’m holding myself hostage.

Like I do have a shit ton of parts of myself, and they’re being corralled with a dangerous wild dog to be silent in a dingy pen or something.

They’re being tortured and are injured if they talk.

I just feel so toxic still some days.

Like I don’t have my life together, and I can’t manage anything – not even group today.

Why can’t I stand being in public sometimes?

Everything everyone was doing today was pissing me right the fuck off.

I was even late to group.

I’m never late, I hate being late, I usually decide to not go instead of walking in late.

And that’s what I should’ve done today.

I should’ve just turned around when I had the thought about not really wanting to go.

Do I just need to listen to myself better?

Is that what the lesson is today?

I don’t know what I’m thinking today, but I’m glad I’m home now.

I sat down and wrote this whole entry out in an hour.

I’m obviously ranting.

I think I will still post the other entry I’ve been working on this week, regarding suicidal ideations and intrusive thoughts.

I think it’s good and isn’t talked about enough.

But it is a sensitive topic.

So, be warned that that is coming up next, and I encourage you to read through it and sit in your uncomfortableness.

I’ll be feeling uncomfortable posting it too, don’t worry.

– Keren