*TW: Self Harm*

I had my hearing yesterday morning for disability, and I’ll have the official answer, or decision rather, in a few months.

So I have done all of the things in my power to get this approved and it’s 100% out of my hands now.

Whatever is going to happen, will happen.

And that’s fine with me.

I’m at peace with myself regarding it.

So keep thinking positive things in regards to that for right now.

My pain levels have been high for the past six or seven days.

I think my anxiety was manifesting in my pain levels.

Because I was surprisingly and shockingly calm this week.

The EMDR is really working quite well for me, and I’m glad I trudged through my insecurities about it.

There’s an at home EMDR type thing I can do too and I was doing that a lot the day before and the morning of the hearing.

It’s helpful.

You gotta make a Napoleon Dynamite dance hand bird thing and cross your chest with them, resting your fingertips on your collarbone.

Then the brain is kinda tricked into thinking the tapping on the collarbone with every other hand is an external force when they’re crossed like that.

But I’m going to get a set of EMDR pulsers when I have a chance.

Maybe not that exact brand, and maybe that’ll be the only thing on my Christmas wish list this year.

They’re kinda pricey but would seem worth it.

I bet they would really be worth it.

The tapping is helpful and I can only imagine how great the pulsers would be.

With all this work on anxiety in therapy, I had a change to my anxiety medication the other week.

I went from Hydroxyzine to Buspirone.

And so far I’m feeling much better and less dizzy.

It was a pretty big switch.

The Hydroxyzine just wasn’t doing much anymore.

It’s like I was becoming immune to antihistamines or something.

Or at least, to that specific type of antihistamine.

It just wasn’t helping much anymore.

And maybe that’s because I was still waiting for my hearing to pass.

Maybe I’ll notice another difference in the upcoming months.

Or maybe that difference won’t come till I get the final decision for disability in a few months.

We’ll see.

I did have a self harm episode last week.

I hadn’t done that in about six months so I’m pretty disappointed with myself.

I had a slight migraine the following day from it.

I did it because I thought I had missed a doctors appointment that’s over the phone because I missed the phone call for the appointment.

Or rather, I pressed the decline button instead of answer.

So I freaked out and lashed out at myself.

And then two minutes later the doctor called again, making sure he gave me another chance for good measure.

And I answered the second call and had my appointment, and everything went just fine.

So I was left to sit in my own disappointments – my self loathing and frustrations with myself.

Afterall, I had just one fucking thing to do that day, and I was failing at that one fucking thing.

Get it together Keren.

So I hit.

I know it’s not the best outcome but I was overwhelmed.

And a lot of the time physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain is.

It is what it is.

And maybe this time I can go longer than six months between acting out like that.

That’s my goal at least.

Tonot dwell on self harm, I’m going to change the conversation now.

No good transition from that.

I saw my primary care doctor on Thursday afternoon, just before I had therapy.

My heart rate was through the roof for yet another visit.

My blood pressure was high too.

Like, through the roof.

But my watch has been alarming me more often about a high heart rate lately too.

So I guess I kinda knew this talk was coming.

I think it was the switch of methods with  the Invega/Paliperidone.

From the injection to the tablets, that is.

Yeah, it’s much more helpful to be on the tablets, but surprise surprise, there’s a crippling side effect.

It just seems a touch too coincidental to me.

Well, she prescribed me a medication called Propranolol which is a beta blocker.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been put on a beta blocker.

I was on Metoprolol while on the antipsychotic, Seroquel.

So this is kinda deja vu-esque.

I really hope that after I get the final decision and I have a direction that I’m going to go, I’ll be less anxious.

But honestly I’m shocked at how good I’ve been able to curb my anxious thinking patterns this week.

Emotionally, not physically apparently.

Physically my body is well aware I’m anxious and is now acting out itself.

Last week was a shit show in comparison.

I was very, very anxious last week.

And this week has been the opposite.

Sean and I worked a lot on my anxiety again in my session last week, doing some EMDR with it.

And I feel so much, much  better.

I feel calm.

I feel like I could almost properly communicate at my hearing.

And I kinda retained some of it too.

I still froze up a bit and didn’t say nearly everything I wanted to.

I had a lot more to say I feel like.

But it is what it is and I bet after I have the final decision, my anxiety will go down and maybe even my heart rate and blood pressure will follow suit.

Stress can really fuck me up.

I had to force food into me yesterday and the day before because I was so worked up about the hearing.

But it’s over now and I can breathe better again.

– Keren