My pain levels are finally starting to recede!

I hope I don’t jinx anything by saying that.

And the pain isn’t all gone, it’s just dulling.

It never fully leaves.

But my inflammation is way, way, down and practically back to normal, and that’s amazingly awesome.

I walked Bruce a little while today even, and I haven’t really been able to walk him properly for around two weeks.

I’m so fucking grateful that the sharp, super intense pain is fading.

My knees now feel as if they have sandpaper under the knee caps that painfully rubs with every step – they always feel that way though.

And they also feel like they’re freshly, ruthlessly bruised right now from being so inflamed for so many weeks.

(Which is stupidly normal for me after a flare)

But things are slowly getting back to normal.

Those pain levels made my everyday aches and pains look like a soft and cozy blanket.

It’s mind blowing how much my body fights itself.

Physically and mentally.

I heard quite a few voices the past couple of days too, mainly while I am walking Bruce, some when I step out to smoke.

They’ve been astonishingly pretty quiet throughout the intense pain levels though.

But now that the intensity is fading, they’re popping up.

If I had to deal with both at the same time, I would’ve cried and felt so much more desperate than I already did.

I mean, I guess I do have to deal with it all the time – but not at that level.

Not with that amount of pain.

I haven’t had a flare like that in quite a while.

I haven’t heard a ton of voices lately, so it almost took me by surprise that they got louder over the past couple of days.

I’ve mainly been hearing murmurs a lot again.

At some point throughout the day, the being-in-a-crowd murmuring overpowers everything and it’s all I can hear for a few minutes to an hour.

But I do still hear the “neighbors” that are to my left as I stand outside my current apartment, smoking.

I know they’re not really there, but they talk about me all the time still.

Not in the same cadence or tone or anything, this is totally different from what I used to hear with the shitty third floor neighbors.

They’re different voices than that.

Same subject matter, but different tones.

This is just one example of how my hallucinations and delusions mutate.

They morph after a real threat is seemingly gone.

I’ve almost always had a problem with my “neighbors”.

They’ve talked about me for decades and I used to just think it was supernatural and demonic.

I still to this day I am floored by how much antipsychotics help quiet everything.

And I’m impressed that the oral Paliperidone is doing so good with me.

I think if I would have been on the injection the last few weeks I would’ve had more symptoms.

I’m just so grateful for the receding pain levels.

My Mom decided to get me a couple of things to help when that happens.

They’re both items that I never wanted to admit that I need.

But I couldn’t take care of myself for the past few weeks.

I could barely get off the couch, showering was out of the question.

So, she got me a shower chair and a walker to help when my pain levels get bad like that again.

Or if I just feel like I need the support.

I had told her how helpful the grocery cart was at the store when I was looking for a christmas cactus at home depot last week.

So, she decided to get the disability aids for me, to help me.

And they will help me.

I’m almost excited for the shower chair because I can’t really stand comfortably for longer than 5 – 10 minutes.

My knees start to burn something fierce when they’re tired, and that’s another almost everyday thing too, just like the sandpaper feeling is.

So it’ll be nice to have these aids to help me out – especially when it’s super hard to move and walk.

It’s just admitting that at the age of 41, that those are necessary in my life, it just kinda sucks.

Big time really.

I hate that I know my body will go before my mind.

Well, I dunno now because my brain is pretty fucked up too.

It’s just like, difficult to admit is all.

It’s like a slap in the face, really.

The fact that I need these two things is frustrating, but it also is what it is.

There’s nothing I can do about it, ya know?

But complain, right?

It’s alright, I guess.

When it comes down to it they’re tools for folks who can’t walk that great, and I can’t walk that great.

So, yeah, I’m grateful for the tools, just a touch sad, and tough to admit that I need them.

– Keren