It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks.

I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part.

I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes with mental illness actually helps me write.

When my symptoms are controlled for the most part, like they are now, I feel as if I have nothing to say.

Or rather, I’m feeling reserved, even with my writings.

But the reality is that I still have breakthrough symptoms.

They’re just not as intense as they have been in the past.

I walk Bruce several times a day and most times I’m out I hear comments about how I’m smoking a cigarette, or did I pick up Bruce’s business, or where did I put my cigarette butt.

Basically, they mimic and narrate what I’m doing constantly still.

It’s just not as prominent or loud as it has been in the past.

Which makes me feel like an intruder today.

It makes me feel like I don’t deserve support or help because it’s not that bad.

My symptoms aren’t that bad today.

But in reality, I’m a missed dose of medication away from crumbling.

Some people are wary of medications, they think they’re poisonous and harmful when symptomatic.

I’m quite the opposite.

I find medications to be comforting and promising.

And that makes me feel like a fake.

I haven’t been on my schizophrenia spectrum discord server lately either. 

Again, I feel like an imposter or like I have nothing to say if I’m not riddled with symptoms.

I feel like I don’t have the authority to say anything about my mental illness when not showing symptoms.

Why though?

Is it because of the pressures of society?

That all of the sudden I’m “typical” acting and feeling right now, and have no opinions because I don’t have many symptoms?

Because I do feel that way.

I feel that I have no room to talk about symptoms when they’re not present.

I don’t know why I feel this way at all.

If anyone has the ability to come out the other side like I have, it seems that would give me all the permissions in the world to talk about them while they’re not rampant.

But it feels fake somehow.

It feels like I’m not being genuine.

Which is far from the truth – I write what’s on my mind and heart and don’t really hold back much.

So, why do I feel so fucking fake?

I’ve read of this feeling in the past, basically, what I’m feeling is called imposter syndrome.

And it does feel very true that I have no room to talk about my accomplishments and struggles seeing as how I’m not dealing with them today.

It is making me feel less than.

Maybe it’s just the way my mind works and I can’t focus on anything positive for more than five minutes so I feel lost while seemingly stable.

It’s invalidating to feel like I shouldn’t talk about my symptoms.

And maybe part of me is terrified of my symptoms acting up and talking about them can stir things up sometimes.

Acknowledgment of my symptoms, when they’re not there, can be a trigger for them to surface.

Which is frustrating and challenging.

And I notice that my hallucinations ramp up with the delusional thoughts that follow.

But the auditory hallucinations are usually first.

Once I hear the voices, the thoughts of being watched and there being surveillance cameras and shit, are not far off.

And the next thing I know, everything’s hit the fan and I feel like shit again.

And then I can write again, right?

It’s taken me five days to write five hundred words in a manner I deemed acceptable for my blog.

Maybe the lack of writing for me right now is just from taking advantage of the quiet.

Like, I am relaxing and getting enough sleep and whathaveyou.

And I can just now notice that I’m just in a slower state. 

But decent still.

My mood is okay – which is better than the doom as of late.

I’m still grieving.

– Keren