My left knee is killing me today and has been for several days now.

It burns, is very stiff, and spazzes and aches terribly every time I get up and walk around.

It’s difficult to walk this week.

And I think it’s irritated because I stood up for about 30 minutes straight at the license plate office this week, getting my car transferred down here finally.

And I did end up being able to get handicap license plate and placard due to doctor recommendation and a prescription for them, which is awesome – I’ve only had the placards before.

But that little bit of time, just that 30 minutes, and I’m down for days.

Possibly a week or two.

I’ll only know when it calms down again which will happen when it’s over.

There’s no gauging when it will start or stop – very, very similar to my mental illness symptoms.

My physical pain is unbearable some days though.

It’s terrible today, and has been for about four days now.

I can barely walk, and when I do walk, I’m limping.

Having these complex, criscrossing physical and mental issues is so fucking hard.

So. 

Fucking.

Hard.

I was having some mental illness symptoms this week too.

I had to get my Invega injection the other day and my symptoms do tend to pop up around the time it’s due.

Not nearly as bad as they have in the past, but they’re there, and are there faintly still today.

Voices mimicking my neighbors and the radio static noise with overlapping “what is she doing?” “she’s out there again.” “do you see her?”.

Then add physical pain onto that shit and it’s enough to completely break anyone.

My whole left leg is very painful again today.

When I got my Invega injection the other day, the medical assistant had to put it in my hip because my arms are really starting to hurt with the injection.

Even though I switch up arms every month, my right arm for some reason last month has just not let the pain fade.

I think she nicked a nerve or something while injecting it.

I know it’s a huge shot (a lot of medicine) and burns when it’s going in, but it feels like she gave me an arm injection too at that time – it’s that sore..

There’s a sharp ache in my upper right bicep as well as my left hip, which is where she actually placed the injection.

It’s frustrating that I have pain literally everywhere again today.

Days and weeks like this just plain fucking suck.

The only way I can even be remotely comfortable is by laying down.

When I sit, my knee(s) get worse due to being continuously bent.

I can’t stand it, so I lay down on my couch.

I lay down a lot.

I have to really.

When my body does this I just lay low, I usually don’t eat much or do much.

The pain can make me nauseous at times, and it’s true for today too.

The muscles around my knee joint will spazz.

I have “tricompartmental” (all over my knee joint – in all three sections) osteophytes (bone spurs – little bone growth hooks that stick out and look like tiny, sharp ocean waves going this way and that) in both knees and have for quite a few years now.

Every time I get an MRI, it’s more devastating than the one before.

And these little bone spurs catch on everything in the joint, the muscles and nerves, making the whole area agitated and angry with life.

And I have no cartilage left in either knee to soothe anything either.

If I don’t move, I’m stiff and my joints burn.

If I move too much, I’m achy and can have shooting, burning pain in my knees, ankles or lower back.

It’s a lose – lose.

And trying to deal with other things when I hurt like I do today seems impossible.

Good thing I lead a pretty peaceful and chill life nowadays, so I can just lay down and cope with the day.

I’m very grateful for that, very grateful.

The pain levels that I have today absolutely wreck all of the work I’ve been doing on my depression symptoms.

It’s like the pain brings an angrier type of sadness, a frustration that’s unbearable and deeply, deeply, enraging.

Because I can’t do what I use to be able to do.

I can’t squat or bend or run or lift at all anymore.

I can’t stand for more than 20, 30 minutes.

I feel pathetic and lesser than.

Like I can’t do this right regardless of the angle – emotional or physical.

It’s defeating some days.

And I’m trudging through, ever so slowly.

– Keren