When my symptoms pop up, my hallucinations and delusions, I lose control of myself, of my mind and body.

Every night it happens and I quickly become paranoid, shake and mutter to myself because I’m hearing the voices.

When I hear the voices, my brain and body are suddenly, temporarily, not under my control.

I can’t control my actions just like I can’t control my thoughts.

Which is why I just sit at home now, especially when having symptoms.

I sit or lay down and watch the trashy television that I love so much.

And seriously, I can’t drive most days because I’m having symptoms.

I don’t trust the shadow people or my vision in general on those days.

I can’t trust myself fully, and I just have to accept that.

I will never be able to.

It’s my new normal.

Because this point is really hard to get across, but when an episode starts, or peaks, or I’m in the middle of it, I am not in control of myself.

Not that I’m having a hard time controlling myself.

I can not control myself.

This is a very, very difficult thing to get across.

And I’m not excusing my behavior, but only explaining it.

No one can control their thinking, right?

We all have intrusive thoughts or moments where we feel “outside” of our body and out of control.

Well, psychosis leaps up a hundred times that and takes over my body and brain every time that it surfaces.

I can’t control myself in that state.

The only thing in control of me is the hallucinations and delusions, which creates sticky shituations.

I’ve felt out of control for years and years but I didn’t realize I was, and will be, quite literally out of control at times.

That the blackouts are definitely real.

Everyone always says you can get out of this funk if you’d just think yourself out of it, read this book, listen to this podcast.

Just compartmentalize your thoughts better.

Or will yourself to a better place.

That may be possible for some folks but I can’t just read a book to feel better about where my life is, or quit smoking or whatever the fuck else.

I can’t.

I physically, mentally and literally can’t.

I can’t.

My brain doesn’t do that, doesn’t work that way.

I can’t control myself all the time.

And again, I’m not excusing any behavior, I’m trying to explain it, or some of it.

The behaviors I have and do while in psychosis are not under my control.

They just aren’t.

And that’s a really, really difficult thing for people to try to wrap their heads around.

I do not have control of myself while in psychosis.

The behaviors are because of the psychosis, not because I want to be that person on the street muttering to myself and randomly striking the air with my fist, or taking photos of nothing and showing people I see them, pointing out my stalker and his friends.

But there was nothing in the photos.

It was just random photos of parking garages, or parking lots or random cars.

Because I was being stalked and the photos proved it.

But they were of nothing and did nothing at the same time.

They didn’t “prove” anything other than I wasn’t in the right state of mind.

I wasn’t in control at the time.

I was unable to control myself.

The next time you see someone in the street who is acting strangely, muttering or yelling at nothing that you can see, don’t laugh.

That person is probably out of control and in psychosis.

It’s not funny.

There was one video someone posted on my fb feed that was a guy hanging out by a big stop sign/intersection and just fucking with every car that pulled up.

He was kicking cars and banging on the windshields, going from car to car trying to open the doors and just being so irrational and erratic.

He was yelling at no one and everyone all at once.

I saw that video and my heart went out to him.

I hope someone stopped filming and helped him.

I bet not though.

He probably got arrested and don’t get me started on the prison system in this motherfucking country.

He’s made fun of, not helped.

He was being laughed at while quite obviously out of control.

He’s obviously not in control of himself.

And during the video, he’s unable to reel himself back into a lucid space and at his core is 100% unaware of his actions and in a dissociative state.

He’ll most likely be unable to recall any of his actions, even if showed the video.

I don’t remember most of my psychotic episodes but there are bits and pieces that I can remember, like the CIA following me.

Or the cameras that were in the mirrors in my apartment.

That’s why I can’t see into any of the mirrors in my apartment now, they’re up high on the wall only to reflect light, not to look into.

I still feel like there are microphones and cameras on my wall hangings.

– Keren