It’s been a strange feeling week.

I’m so anxious for my disability hearing next month that it’s making me nauseous and so anxious I can barely stand to be around myself.

I’m glad I get the opportunity to speak and let the judge know what exactly it is that I’m going through, but it’s so nerve wracking because everything is riding on this one court date.

It’s also at 8:30am and I have a very hard time getting up that early.

So, that’s making me anxious as fuck too.

It’s all so nerve wracking. 

I’m glad it will be done with next month but I’m also terrified that I’ll fuck it up.

I just have such a hard time communicating it’s ridiculous. 

Listening to directions is even worse because I try to remember and I just can’t.

I forget things that were just told to me rather instantly, so I’m very nervous about not understanding the judge when he asks me questions.

All of it has been stressing me out and then my hallucinations, paranoia and delusions pop up thick because I’m stressed out.

It’s a horrible circle.

I just hope I don’t fuck this up.

I was triggered by that same neighbor again the other day.

I saw her out walking her dog and was polite and said hi and I wish I wouldn’t of.

She’s a non stop talker about everyone in the apartment complex but herself.

I know that’s part of why she triggers me, because she talks shit about everyone to everyone.

She always drops her voice when I walk past, she did the other day too and I almost didn’t say anything.

She probably isn’t even doing that, but my delusions tell me she is talking shit about me and dropping her voice when I pass by her.

I probably shouldn’t have started a conversation with her, but I thought it would just be a passing hi, not give her permission to talk at me for fifteen minutes non stop.

I don’t know what to do about her, other than hope she moves.

But then my hallucinations will just grab onto another neighbor and they’ll never leave me the fuck alone.

It’s a pattern in my life.

It happens everywhere I go.

My neighbors alway harass and stalk me.

I used to call my landlords and complain about my neighbors to them (if in the same building).

Otherwise I would complain to roommates or friends about them.

How they talk about me, and cough when I cough, and how they stand outside of my window talking shit about me, telling other people that I’m a horrible person, and untrustworthy, and a mistake, and annoying, and a liar.

It’s maddening because I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

I don’t live in the “typical” reality that everyone else does.

My world is dark and scary. 

Mean voices and conversations between my voices about how I’m a fuck up and worthless.

I still have a feeling that the CIA is after me.

They have agents in suits waiting behind trees and other objects when I’m outside, especially.

Inside I still feel like there is a camera and microphones somewhere.

They come in my apartment when I let Bruce out and rearrange my things, put up surveillance, and thicken my paranoia exponentially.

I try to lock my door even if I’m just in front of my apartment because I don’t trust them.

Then being the voices.

I mean, I know they’re not real, right?

No one else hears or sees what I do and it makes it difficult to exist some days.

I went back and looked over my mood app and am seeing these cycles of mania and depression.

I rapid cycle between the two leaving no room for euthymia, or the times between the two extremes.

I wish I had more to talk about right now, but this hearing is consuming every part of me this week.

I’ve been writing things down that I think are important so I don’t forget during the hearing (it’s via phone).

I’m dreading this next month that I have before the hearing.

All I’m going to be able to do is obsess over what I’m going to say.

Watch, the questions I found will be nothing like what the judge asks me..

Big fear right there.

My symptoms have been up and down this week.

The delusions have been bad this week.

Thinking people are after me.

Thinking I have no escape and they’ll eventually kill me.

Because they tell me they will.

And all I can do this week is go through my mood app (Daylio – it’s game changing) and try to write down patterns.

I’m very, very happy with myself that I stuck with the mood app.

I’m glad I’ve been trying to see these cycles, because it’s turning into data, plain and simple.

And that will help.

As long as I’m honest and to the point, I think I’ll be fine.

It’s just making me so, so, so fucking anxious.

– Keren