This week has been bad and I’ve been struggling.

I’ve been having horrible breakthrough symptoms this week, but today I feel a bit better.

Yesterday was day four back on Haldol.

I can feel it working, but it just makes me so, so tired and foggy at the same time from it.

I came back off of it today, Friday.

The bulk of the heavy symptoms were Sunday evening through Tuesday this week.

Though every night it starts back up, just not as intense as it was at the beginning of the week.

Last night got pretty bad even too.

The second it gets dark, it’s game on for the hallucinations and delusions.

And I have been having symptoms throughout the day, they just get worse at night.

Here’s how it went down.

This was Sunday evening.

I just was out walking Bruce nice and slow because my knees were (and are) achy.

I passed by two of my neighbors at the bbq patio and they kept talking amongst themselves about how slow I’m walking and if I’m on drugs.

“I think she smokes”

“Smokes what?”

“I dunno, but she looks like she’s using”

“Look”

“How slow is she walking”

“I’m sorry, that’s slow”

“What is she on?”

“She’s fucking high”

“Yeah she is”

“She’s walking so slow”

“Look how slow she’s walking”

I passed them again and it felt as though they were purposely following me, even though they were ahead of me.

I saw them again, as I walk past them I hear..

“What happed to her?”

“I’m sorry, lookit how slow”

“Did she adjust her pants?”

“She looks different”

“She did something to her pants”

“She must’ve”

“Look”

“She’s going so slow”

“What happened?”

And then, towards the end of my walk I saw a neighbor that I know and like, and was talking to her about my knees and how they hurt and then the voices said…

“How did she know that’s what we were talking about” 

“I’m sorry, how did she know?”

“She did that on purpose”

“Look, she’ll go one foot at a time up the stairs”

*I do that exact thing as they say that – at the exact same time.*

“See, told you”

“I told you she was high”

“See what her apartment smells like”

“Not like drugs”

“Really?”

*I shut the door and sit on the couch.*

About to cry, shaking fiercely, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.

I can still hear them as I sit on my couch…

“She doesn’t smell like drugs”

“But she was walking so slow”

“Did you see how slow she was walking?”

*that repeats for the next hour or so.*

I’m shaking and crying..

I started staring at the window that I had just put the shades down to and they commented on that the whole fucking time too.

“She’s pulling the curtains down”

“She’s hiding something for sure”

“Look in”

“Can you see in there?”

“Yes”

“I can see her”

“She’s just sitting there”

A few more repetitions of some similar phrasing for another hour or so and I am now convinced it was all a hallucination.

But they did keep dropping their voices around me… didn’t they? 

Because they did.

But It wouldn’t have followed me in the house like that.

There’s no way.

It’s a hallucination if it does follow me in like that.

All of it is so discouraging.

I’m terrified of being back in a huge psychosis episode.

But I’m trying to work through this.

I was triggered right before this happened.

I even know the conversation that triggered me.

I had been discussing my past psychosis episodes with my parents.

I don’t remember how or what I did things in episodes, so I was curious and we just kinda organically started talking about it and me in psychosis.

I started crying about a hour or so in, when I was talking to them about how lonely and isolated I feel now.

How most all my friends left me to fade away by myself.

I don’t think they were really my friends in the first place honestly.

They made that clear that they want nothing to do with me.

I wish I could go back and shake my own shoulders and yell some grounding shit into my own ears.

But I can’t.

And it wouldn’t have helped anyway.

So I sit here, and write.

I’m trying to better myself with understanding why and how the voices may possibly protect and absolutely affect me.

My last therapist would say that the voices are, oddly enough, trying to protect me, but I don’t get it.

We talked about it in therapy on Thursday this week, with my new therapist, and I still don’t totally get it, it’s quite complicated and to me, seemingly backwards.

The hallucinations grab my attention and lead me to the place they want me to go.

Even though the voices are nasty and narrative and scary, they very well may come when called apparently.

I’m not saying the voices are good or anything like that at all.

Not at all.

I’m saying they very well might be on deck to whisk me away from whatever triggered me and bring me into a different world that’s even worse than reality.

It’s not fun, none of this is fun.

And I know it sounds backwards, because it is.

I don’t fully grasp this concept myself, so it’s hard to describe what I’m trying to say.

The voices may very well tell me when to stop talking about things like my mental illness.

By being triggered, they show up to “help” but they don’t help at all.

It’s similar to DID in a way, right?

That the alters are there to protect you and take over when the person is overwhelmed or triggered – seems to be the same or a similar notion or thought with the hallucinations.

I’m not saying I believe this wholeheartedly, it’s just another thought process about why and or how the voices show up.

I don’t really agree with the word “protecting” because the voices I hear are terrifying and lonely, and protection to me, means safe.

And the voices and visual hallucinations do not make me feel safe, in fact it’s quite the opposite.

But it’s just another theory to  think about.

It’s an interesting topic to explore with my therapist, that’s for sure.

I just hope I don’t trigger them too much again.

Because that is always terrifying.

– Keren