I keep having these recurring things in my dreams.

I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me.

Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back on, but there’s no one there to help.

The people in my dreams are not nice to me.

They make fun of me and tease me and laugh at me.

And as no one is helping, I have to hoist the fucking bag back up somehow.

I usually put it onto a desk or table – which uses all of my strength, and then get it on from there.

And it takes everything I’ve got to carry this thing that I don’t even know what’s in it besides survival gear because my dreams the last few years have been very apocalyptic.

But really, everything is always super heavy and super difficult in my dreams.

Walking, gear, food.

And there’s never anyone to help there either.

That or I’m traveling with really awful people that are unhelpful.

And there’s another recurring aspect, I never have my full strength.

Maybe that’s the core thing.

It’s like I can’t do things I normally could.

The other night I was trying to defend myself in my dream and couldn’t throw a punch.

Like, I didn’t even try, I knew I couldn’t, I just tried to intimidate the other person with words and gestures.

I knew if I tried to hit him it’s end up being a light slap even though I was using every muscle I could.

So I didn’t.

And I can’t remember what worked, if anything, to get him to go away.

I remember the dude was laughing at me because I wouldn’t throw a fist.

But I can’t remember what ended it.

Dreams are so bizarre.

I do feel like they’re reflective of how one feels throughout the day.

What someone goes through and/or discusses.

Because I have been feeling very weak lately – on several levels.

I don’t really have a reason why I’ve been feeling this way, it just is.

I know it’s not true.

I mean, physically I’m not as strong as I once was, that’s a fact.

But I’m not weak.

I know it’s my mind making up these horrid things for me to try to believe.

Cognitive distortions are huge players.

It’s like my mind repeats phrases and horrible things about me.

To say it’s an intrusive thought isn’t giving it enough weight because it’s extremely repetitive and specific.

Although, I guess intrusive thoughts are very specific at times.

Anyway, it feels like there’s something inside of me telling me I’m weak.

Not me telling me I’m weak.

Not consciously at least.

Or maybe it IS a conscious thought that’s just so automatic it doesn’t feel like I’m the one starting it.

Anyway you put it, it just needs to stop.

It’s engulfing and numbing.

And then dreams where I don’t have the strength required to just live, start recurring.

Then I’m obsessing about it 24/7 for real.

Great.

Well, the option to obsess is there, but I will have no part of it.

It’s just all so curious, life is.

From dreaming to being alive and having hallucinations it just all starts to blend together some days.

Luckily, today is a good day and I’m not having that issue at the moment.

I’ve still been sleeping an awful amount.

I easily sleep half the day, every day.

When I add it all up with naps and whatnot, it ends up being about 11 hours or so.

That’s a lot.

I feel lucky to be able to sleep as much as I need to.

But on the other hand, that’s a lot of time to be asleep – even if it is just on the couch for an hour or two in the afternoon.

Add that all up and that’s a lot of sleep.

But I feel good while I’m awake.

As tired as this medication makes me, I won’t stop taking it.

The pros outweighs the cons.

My symptoms are at a dull roar since starting the Halidol.

It’s so refreshing I can barely describe it.

I’m not obsessing over anything like I was.

I’m getting back my no fucks given self.

It’s just this time around I’m bringing compassion and empathy with me.

Makes for a beautifully different outlook on life.

– Keren