I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected.

I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages.

Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life.

When I went through the guided meditation with an ex therapist (again, referencing “The Water Park Bridge”) I found out that I’m fragmented.

There are several versions of myself, living in myself.

I’m around five or six years old, fifteen and then another one around my mid twenties.

I don’t have many connections to myself as a whole, and I really think that me being able to throw everything in the supernatural bucket stems from these age differences within myself as well.

I hide it, like I always have.

Even from myself.

And I am really good at hiding things from myself and these parts of me help me hide even more from myself.

And I don’t think I have true alters, I think that I’m just fragments of myself layered on top of myself.

Like in the guided meditation I did, I only found these three different ages of myself and an iridescent blob that I think is my core self, me.

It’s curious because I can see what my ex therapist was on to with a dissociation concern with me.

I do space out extremely often.

Easily a dozen times a day I find myself staring at something and lose about an half hour or so.

The other day I lost an hour somehow.

It’s an odd thing, but I’m honestly quite used to it.

So it doesn’t really feel like anything’s off when I do lose time.

I just lose it and that’s that.

And I do lose track of what’s being said very quickly and easily.

When in therapy sessions especially, I lose track of conversation constantly, and I think that’s what my ex therapist clued into pretty fucking quickly.

Because I do lose track and then I feel a little different, like I’m not me.

Like losing track of what’s being discussed is my switching tell or something.

And I do feel like I have certain things that will surface at different times, when I feel out of it or tired, it’s harder to keep track of and gets worse.

I do not think I have full on DID, but I do think the diagnosis of dissociative amnesia on my chart is pretty, fairly accurate.

Because I do have massive, massive gaps of memory that are throughout my life.

The dissociative amnesia is an explanation as to why that’s happened and to me, it makes total sense.

I think the iridescent blob is me now, presently, me, me.

I think of me as me, and I feel in charge of my body, sometimes.

It’s strange because I do feel like there are days or hours where I feel like I’m looking out of myself, as myself, inside of myself.

Like, I can see me looking out my eyes, inside my mind, like my eyes are windows looking out into what I’m doing.

But I’m standing behind the windows and not up close directly through them.

That’s my mind, that’s where I go sometimes and it’s always been like that.

I feel that sometimes I’m more in control of myself and my body, mainly, really.

I don’t feel like I’m in full control most days.

I’d say about 35% of the time I feel fully in control, the other 65% I honestly couldn’t say.

And that’s scary.

Because this is another reason why I feel like I can’t fully trust myself.

I’ve been through some traumatic shit.

And I know we all have on one level or another.

I know this.

But I’ve been through some shit.

And it sometimes leaves me bitter.

And other times I can’t see my future.

And other times I’m so full of rage about it.

I do feel like everyone has parts of themselves like that, but mine are seemingly a touch more disconnected and distinct than a typical person.

And I’ve explained it that I’m not always the driver in my mind.

Like my body is a car and in my mind is the steering wheel.

I have three other people in my car in my head and we all take turns driving.

They take over and drive basically.

I see someone full of anger.

I see someone small and scared.

I see someone who’s hurting but manipulative.

And then there’s me.

Me, me.

And sometimes I let the others drive.

And other times they force me out of the driver’s seat.

Most of the time it’s me driving.

I’d say, 80% of the time, I’m me and I’m driving.

But like I said about not feeling in control most of the time is because I feel like I have to constantly fight to keep myself behind the steering wheel.

Everyone is constantly fighting over the driver’s seat.

And I am noticing that the more lucid I’m becoming, I’m really seeing these separations and sections of myself quite clearly.

These parts..

I can’t control them.

I can’t interact with them.

I just don’t know how to, not yet at least.

And I do though, at times, have a conversation with myself and feel like people are chiming in.

Like I’m having a chat with a couple other people but the people are in my head and it could be a hallucination and a delusion, but I just don’t know because the chiming in could also be these fragments of myself.

And I don’t know when I switch exactly, or if I even do fully switch, but I do sometimes know that after the fact when I’m me again.

Me, me, like I am now.

It’s such a complicated topic.

I could probably write another couple of entries about this, and I will over time.

Because I don’t feel like I can control myself a lot of the time, and I can’t always trust myself.

And I think big culprits of that are my voices and another one is my dissociation issues.

It’s tough.

– Keren