I was supposed to have an appointment with my prescriber (my psych NP) for my mental illness medications yesterday, but he called out and I got rescheduled.

I did get my Invega injection at least.

It was three days early this month.

The nurse at the clinic I go to has been scheduling me three to five days early for my monthly injections lately and it seems to be helping with some relief.

Although when she asked me how things were going and I told her, she asked me if it was okay to let the NP know what has been happening when he gets back into the office.

I agreed that he should probably know.

It’s still throwing me off, the interaction with my hallucinations of my third floor neighbors.

How it seemed so real and like I was actually talking to them, but they didn’t have any recollection of that conversation taking place.

That type of situation just hasn’t happened in a year or so.

That level of hallucinations, when I see people and the details in their face and voice, scares me.

It used to happen all the time.

But since I’ve been on antipsychotics, it’s mainly just been the voices that have been running rampant.

Some odds and ends of visual hallucinations but not full blown conversational shit.

Not until the other week.

It’s jarring to have these experiences.

It’s a world of trauma all wrapped up in more trauma.

It really is very traumatic, my hallucinations are.

Delusions are even more draining and traumatic.

It’s honestly exhausting.

And then with small, short lulls in my symptoms, I have to suddenly get used to silence and quietness again just to have my hallucinations pop back up.

I feel like I’m always on high alert with this shit.

I feel like I’m super hyper vigilant regardless if I have symptoms or not.

I never know what to believe.

Psychosis has given me even more PTSD than I already had from past events.

It’s a different type.

One where it’s not a situation that replays (because I can’t remember), but more of a feeling of helplessness repeating.

Of being terrified.

It replays over and over.

I’ll feel it wash over me and I’ll suddenly get this deep dread as I hear something, or see someone.

Was that even fucking real?

Are they really there?

Did they just say that?

Can I trust what I’m seeing and hearing right now?

Usually the answer to that is no.

Which is also debilitating to come to grips with.

It’s tiring.

So tiring.

It’s hard to describe the level of exhaustion all of this shit gives me.

How drained I am hearing and seeing this shit day in and day out.

How drained I am when things are a little quieter.

Trying to piece together reality from my symptoms seemingly constantly.

I do know a lot of the symptoms I’m having right now are due to my grandmother’s death.

I’m not saying that is anyone’s fault or anything, it’s just that the stress of her death is really hitting me hard.

Her not being around makes my world different.

And by the way, stress is like my number one trigger.

Stress of any kind.

I get stressed out about little things and my symptoms pop up louder, let alone how big they get when there’s a death in the family.

When my other grandmother passed in 2021, the only thing I know is that I lost a full 24-36 hours while driving from Colorado to Michigan.

I was off the grid.

I can’t tell you what I was doing.

I can’t tell you what happened the months before or after her death either.

Dissociation is a bitch.

Psychosis is a bitch.

It really comes down to a lowered ability to handle things.

I am quite literally unable to do some things anymore.

And that is a very, very difficult thing to try to wrap my head around.

I get frustrated with myself often about it.

It’s a different type of pain.

And it’s tiresome.

All of it is draining and I feel most days like I can’t keep up.

This is one of the reasons I lock myself inside and wait for the days to pass.

– Keren