It’s been an alright week.

Pain levels are back to their full and dull roar, and I haven’t had many big hallucinations, just small ones.

I also hit a milestone and lost 100lbs this week.

Then I treated myself and gained 3lbs in two days, and then lost 2lbs in the last couple of days, so technically 99lbs is accurate right now.

But I’m giving myself some grace regardless of the couple pound weight gain this week.

Because it will be lost again, I just had to reel myself back in.

Which happens a lot.

I try to only eat 1200 calories in a day, but that’s not much food at all.

And I haven’t been exercising because I can’t with my knees, shoulder, back and ankles hurting me so bad like they do.

They’re all super achy again today, and have been for a solid month and more now.

I barely can walk most days anymore, so I did this all without hitting the gym.

I watched countless episodes of “My 600lb Life” and learned that weight loss has much more to do with what you eat than how much you’re working out.

I talked to my doctor about it and we’re just doing regular scheduled blood work for me, every four months or so.

Make sure I’m still in the green with all the levels of vitamins and proteins and blood cells and whatnot.

I got myself out of prediabetes.

I don’t talk about that often because it’s embarrassing that I was to that point of eating myself quite literally sick.

It’s one of the things in my life that I can control, my hunger is.

I can control what I put into my mouth.

I feel like the key is not giving up on it, even throughout the plateaus, which is so difficult.

Fuck up one day, who cares? 

Get back on it.

Two or six days, it sucks, I just set myself back a week or so, but I just get back on it and keep trying to stick to my calorie goal.

It’s working so far, so I keep going.

I try to eat for fuel only and stop at 1200 calories almost every day.

Except for cheat days, which is once maybe twice a month.

It’s hard.

Really fucking hard.

I don’t adhere everyday either, I try to – like this week, but then I get really frustrated with myself when I can’t stop eating some days.

And I just try to do better the next day.

But humans can live on 800 calories a day when they have a very low exercise level.

People like me who can’t really work out.

But the 1200 that I’m doing comes out to three, 300-400 calorie meals with minimal snacking.

It’s hard.

It’s really fucking hard.

But I just keep plugging away because I need to lose this weight for my joints.

I need to have the least amount of pressure on my knees and back that I can, and it is boosting my confidence.

It’s wild how people treat thinner people better than heavier people.

Someone should do a social experiment with that…

I have first hand experience with it.

There is one thing I have noticed this week that’s been semi troubling, and that is that my dreams are becoming much, much more vivid but harder to recollect.

I woke up this morning – and all week even too, paranoid and practically in the middle of a panic attack.

Sean, my therapist, said this might happen with the EMDR therapy that we’re doing.

He said it’s totally normal for the patient’s dreams to change in some way.

Become more or less vivid, it can intensify dreams too, or go the opposite way and make them non existent.

It’s becoming more of an obstacle for the moment, but I hope it will fade with time like with most anything else does.

But it’s hard to say.

It could be my new normal, or they could quiet down here over the next few months as we keep working at my brain.

Time will tell what happens.

I hope they start to ease up though.

Because focusing on weight loss and being healthy is really taxing some days.

– Keren