This week has been extremely, excruciatingly painful.

Physically and mentally taxing.

My knees ache with shooting pains and a constant drowning burn.

My left shoulder, left ankle and left big toe feel like they’ve been hit with a baseball bat repeatedly.

My joints – knees especially, feel bruised on the outside though they look normal and are not purple or blueish or anything.

Every joint in me feels like it has a hot, lit match heads in under it.

And my depression seems to have no intent on fading anytime soon.

So, I’m exhausted, yet getting plenty of sleep.

I wish there was a cure for depression and all other mental illnesses and disorders.

But I suppose they need to be better understood in order to have a cure.

Which just sounds like a long way off from now.

I also wish I didn’t have these physical pain levels that I have.

It’s been unbearable this week.

Every step feels like my knee caps are going to fly out of place or give out on me because they do that.

Every reach with my left shoulder feels like it’s going to pop out of the socket because it does that.

Every step with my left big toe and ankle is stiff, forced and pangs with hot pains as well.

It’s too much this week.

It’s too much today.

I’ve been using a lidocaine cream on my knees and other joints because it’s one of the only things that helps.

I’m 99% sure it’s for hemmroids, but I give zero fucks because it’s 5% lidocaine, where most over the counter lidocaine creams are only around 4%.

And it is a huge bottle of it for like $20 on Amazon, so, whatevs.

Anyway, it’s the one thing that’s actually helpful right now that’s not an oral medication.

Usually topicals or lotions or whatever don’t do anything for me, so I’m glad I found it.

To totally change the subject, I did officially start EMDR therapy this week.

I was nervous to start it.

What if it doesn’t help or work?

What if it brings things to the surface again and it gets stuck there and I obsess about it again and have to reprocess it all?

These are legit concerns and the only thing I can do is try it.

It won’t hurt me like my anxiety tells me it will.

So I’m trying it.

Because yet again, this is something I can control and do, that will hopefully be beneficial for me.

It’s hard with the new therapist and us not being super established with one another yet, but I need to get over that quick.

It’s not helping me.

I keep thinking the therapy won’t work if I don’t know my therapist but that might be the best time to do it.

We don’t have any judgments or a messy background or anything in the way, on either side.

I’m tired from it for sure, and Sean (my therapist) said that could happen after sessions – fatigue.

I’m usually pretty out of it after therapy anyway, but this is a bit heavier and I was exhausted after the session but couldn’t nap.

Therapy is so much work, emotionally, mentally.

I’m very glad I’ve been taking therapy seriously the last few years.

Well, I didn’t really have a choice but to open up once the antipsychotics started working.

The new clarity turned my entire world upside down.

I didn’t know a life without endless voices and noises existed.

I didn’t think any medication would work, ever.

Glad I was wrong.

Bruce always comes with me to my therapy sessions.

He actually gets super excited to go there even though he always just naps while in the room with us.

It’s pretty cute.

Sean had to get in closer during the sessions of EMDR because I follow his hand movement and he doesn’t have go-go-gadget arms, so he’s gotta sit close and in front of me.

Well, that meant Bruce had to move.

So I told him to get up, he thought the session was over and got excited to leave.

He looked at me like “how could you?” when Sean quickly moved into his spot.

He’s so animated in his face, I just love it.

He’s so sassy, like a husky mutt should be.

But he’s good to have with me in therapy.

Whenever I start crying he gets up and wants to be close to me to help.

It’s really sweet.

And I’m glad the therapists I’ve had don’t mind him coming with me, he’s super well behaved and has been my ESA (emotional support animal) for years now.

He’s a good anxiety reducer when I have to talk about some of the deeper subjects in therapy, it’s nice to have him close.

Therapy is hard enough by itself, it’s nice to add some cuteness to it.

– Keren