I’ve been having symptoms kick up with my pain levels remaining quite high still.

I also have an infection in a tooth of mine and am in need of a horribly helpful root canal.

Boo.

They’re just so uncomfortable.

I noticed something was really wrong after I flossed the other day.

P.S. I’m never flossing again!

I’m kidding, it’s a good thing I did because I hadn’t felt the infection at all except for that time, just after flossing the other day.

So, good thing I did, now we caught it before it gets terrible.

Besides, the pain wasn’t letting up at all after that flossing episode, so, I was on high alert.

But all in all my sharper pains are starting to slowly retreat again, they did come back for a few days including today and probably tomorrow and on, it’s just not as intense, still frustrating and painful though.

The hallucinations and delusions are becoming frustrating though.

I know when my Invega injection kicks in over the weekend, hopefully my symptoms will calm down again.

I got it done on Tuesday this week and it does take about a week or so to hit full force.

The music is back and has been for about five or six days now.

Things like tones are becoming more intense and meaningful.

I’m hearing people talk about me and narrate what I’m doing or comment on what I’m doing. 

My voices and shit – my auditory hallucinations, are what I would say is a medium loudness today. 

Not looping much, they’re more of that conversational narration.

This happened yesterday when I was walking Bruce.

“There she is, smoking.”

“Is she smoking?”

“Yeah she’s a smoker, can’t you smell it?”

“Yuck”

“Yeah, she’s smoking.”

That loops for a while with slightly different wording each time.

I put it out, and went to throw it away.

They started in again.

“Did she put it out?”

“See? Yeah, she put it out.”

“And threw it away?”

“In the garbage.”

“What garbage? Did she pick it up?”

“She threw it away.”

“She did throw it out.”

“She better not start a fire.”

And then on to the next apartment.

I heard that, and other sorts of bantering back and forth from each and everyone of the apartments I pass.

On bad days, it’s every apartment overlapping themselves and eachother.

On a good day it’s just once or twice a walk.

It feels like my brain gives me a sneak peak of each person’s life.

Except it’s not real, and I can’t keep thinking that.

I know they’re hallucinated conversations between “folks” in their “apartments”.

And those “folks” that I’m hearing are not real or real people.

But it’s hard to tell the difference.

I can’t tell the difference.

Oh, I almost forgot about the cigarette.

There was an unsmoked cigarette on the ground outside my door the other day.

So, when I was out smoking, I picked it up and put it on my outside table so it wouldn’t get wet or anything.

I come back out about 45min later and it’s in the exact same space.

No, it was not windy out that day.

And I don’t know who would move it back.

Or even if anyone did.

Did I make it all up?

Was me picking up the cigarette and placing it on the table something that didn’t actually happen?

I swear it did though.

I fucking swear I picked it up.

But I can’t prove it.

It’s really, really frustrating not being able to trust myself in situations like that anymore.

Like, obviously I didn’t move the cigarette, right?

Would someone else pick it up off my table and place it way over on the grass?

I couldn’t tell you which was what.

But I swear I picked it up.

Anyway, that type of stuff is pretty common with me, you’d think I’d be used to it when it happens in a noticeable way.

But, I dunno, all of this stuff isn’t new, but it’s ever so maddening still.

And I don’t even know how to trust myself anymore.

– Keren