I have this strange lump on the right side of my neck.

I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something harmless.

And I won’t know much about it till Wednesday, when I have a follow up after the ultrasound tomorrow.

It’s making me entirely too anxious because it’s gotten bigger over the last few months.

It just makes me fucking paranoid and anxious all at once.

I can feel my stress levels kicking up which is not good for me.

Stress if any kind sets off my psychotic symptoms.

So, I’m doing crafts to try to combat that.

I started collaging again – which I love to do.

I’ve made some that I framed and I’m working now on some little boxes and a canvass that my mom lovingly got for me.

It helps pass the time and calms me down – just like writing does.

Although I can’t always think of a subject to write about.

Collaging uses much less, or maybe it’s just totally different, brain power.

And I haven’t been able to think much lately.

Maybe it’s because I’m worried about the lump, maybe it’s because I am still getting used to this new sedation feeling from my medication.

But it’s probably a combination of the two and then some.

I’m just hoping to get a clean bill of health after the ultrasound.

And I honestly can’t think of much else right now.

The last couple days I’ve been obsessing over it.

I know it’s hopefully nothing, but I’m still scared about it.

I’m so fixated on it right now it’s terrible.

I’m so fixated my dog, Bruce (Bruce Wayne, technically), has noticed.

I’ve been on my phone a lot this week and Bruce will interrupt me with kisses on my cheek when I’m being intense on my phone.

He especially does this when I’m writing.

When I was in psychosis he would do the same thing because I was believing that people were out to get me and were monitoring me through my phone and it/I would get beyond intense.

I still feel that way sometimes.

Like they can see me and hear me.

They being the CIA and “the others”.

I have a post it note over the camera on my laptop.

When I get itchy about it, I’ll put one on my front facing camera on my phone too.

Though it does nothing against blocking the sounds that it can pick up.

But no one out there is watching me, right?

This would be the point that Bruce would interrupt my train of thought for kisses and pets time.

He’s a fucking genius I swear.

He must feel the intensity of me at times.

So he checks in to make sure I’m not psychotic, basically.

He used to hop up on my bed and put his little chin over my ears while I’d lay in bed bawling, in an episode.

He knew what I was dealing with before I did.

He’s so patient with me.

It makes me warm and fuzzy to know he cares and is showing it in ways that he can.

It’s pretty fucking precious.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when he leaves me.

It’s going to be really really hard.

He’s nine now and has lived in three different states with me.

And he’s truly the most thoughtful dog I’ve had.

Maybe he feels that it’s his job to protect me – even from myself.

He’s too smart.

I’m grateful for him every day.

He helps keep me grounded now that the antipsychotics are working full force.

And that’s going as good as it can too, my meds are.

I’m still so wiped from them, they make me so so so tired.

I think waking up late is just my new normal now, napping is my new normal too.

I get my medication in me every morning and just sink into the couch.

Red Bulls don’t touch this tired – not even close to doing anything.

If I wake up before 10am, I walk Bruce and have to come back in and nap for an hour or so.

It’s terrible.

I know it’s just the sedation effect from my medication but goodness, some days are fucking brutal and I feel like I’m just dragging myself through it.

Today was one of those days.

Well, today’s morning was great.

I got started with a doctor appointment about the lump and then had breakfast with my mom, that part was okay then great.

But when I got home I felt really overwhelmed and took a four hour nap after cutting up some magazines for my collaging for about an hour and a half.

My day was scary and great.

– Keren