The voices are still here, in case you were wondering.

I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others.

And the last couple of days I’ve had some breakthrough symptoms happening.

Radio noises, murmuring, the voices mimicking my neighbors.

Not enough to send me into a shame spiral or full force paranoia though.

But a sprinkling of both and then some is more accurate as to where I’m at this week.

I’ve been trying to focus on my physical health in these moments of lucidity.

My body has been with me through everything and I’ve treated it like shit for far too many years.

But in hopes of little things adding up, I’ve lost 80lbs since around December of last year.

So that’s very, very rewarding.

I bought my first pair of actual pants and not just leggings the other week.

Finally got out of the one size fits most clothing for the first time in years.

I’m still needing to lose another couple dozen pounds, but for right now, the physical progress I’m making is undeniable and it shows.

And that’s exciting.

It’s exciting to have some positive things sticking out amongst the horrors.

It’s making life much more bearable actually.

Not to mention I physically am feeling a little better because of the weight loss.

And then I start kicking myself as to why didn’t I do this sooner, ya know?

But that’s the thing, I can never just seemingly be happy in the moment, and I’m working on that.

It’s almost always shoulda woulda coulda with me and I’m trying to break that pattern.

That’s not appropriate language for me to use with self care and any of the feels.

Because of course all of us would do things differently then if we knew what we knew now, then.

Duh, right?

But that’s not how life works and it’s annoying, but it’s not necessary to berate myself with what if’s.

My medication changes are going great now.

It took me a hot minute to get used to the Haldol, but I’m for sure on the other side of everything now.

I had my Unithroid prescription tweaked the other week for my hypothyroidism and that adjustment has made a world of difference too.

I notice I have a touch more energy which is a welcomed relief.

I’m sure it’s because of my thyroid medication adjustment, but I’ll take it where I can get it.

I don’t feel like I need to nap everyday the past couple of weeks.

I had quite a bit to do last week and I got through it fairly stress free, so that was extremely nice.

I thought I was going to be super exhausted but I pumped myself up and prepped for a busy week and set myself up to pass through it smoothly for once.

Which is a very, very promising series of events.

One, in fact, that was impossible just one year ago.

I’ve been on Ivega Sustenna for a year now.

How did I not notice that?

It just happened – the end of August, so I’m not terribly far behind.

A whole year since my life FLIPPED THE FUCKING SCRIPT.

In more ways than one…

(Do ya see what I did there?)

Like who the fuck knew that a medication could give me my life back?

No one no way no motherfuckin how.

I did, absolutely, 200 million billion billion percent, believed it to be impossible.

But life is tricky, and just when everything comes crashing down, something new starts.

And usually not right away.

Usually it’s a process and a whole thing.

But for me it was right away.

Within a month of my first Invega injection, I was a different person.

It fits into these holes in my brain.

And for some reason, somehow things just aren’t as messy.

My vision is clearer, my hallucinations started getting quieter finally.

I was out of ideas last year, other than to keep switching up my antipsychotics, and I’m gratful that Invega not only worked, but changed my life.

I don’t have anything to do with them, they’re not a sponsor or anything.

I just love the medication.

That’s all.

And I’m grateful for it.

I’m just so shocked as to how things have fallen into place since the Haldol too.

I feel clear and lucid and that’s scary and also relieving.

I’ve been able to respond even better with it.

I feel like my reactions to everything anyone says are in the past and moving forward I’ll have a better functionality of my responses.

I just still am having a hard time fathoming that I’m alright right now.

That things are actually good today.

– Keren