There have still been some breakthrough symptoms being on the Haldol now.

But there nowhere near where they were.

And they’re showing up a little differently than they have been.

The past couple of nights – after it gets dark of course, I’ve been hearing this gravelly voice.

It’s quick and deep.

I can’t even recall what it said last night.

It always happens so fast.

And I try really hard to let it go the second I hear it.

I’ve heard it before, when I am in episodes it tends to surface.

Not all of the time though.

It usually says something horrible and mean and then fades.

It talks about killing me a lot, how people in my life are out to get me, and it wants me to be on edge from it.

When I first heard it ages ago I thought it was supernatural of course.

Now I know it’s a hallucination and I don’t let it get to me.

Well, I try not to.

Sometimes it surfaces in a command type, demanding voice.

Sometimes it feels like it’s just trying to scare me.

But now that I know it’s not real, it doesn’t hold as much power over me like it has in the past.

It does sound nightmarish when it surfaces.

It sounds dark and doomy.

I can’t tell if it’s more masculine sounding than not.

It’s really a gender-less voice that sounds as if it’s been smoking filterless cigarettes for forty years.

It’s a nasally tone that doesn’t seem to need to take breaths between sentences.

It’s creepy.

Speaking of creepy, another auditory hallucination that I hear is children laughing and playing.

Anytime day or night, but I usually hear them at night.

I’ve been hearing that one since the first time I heard my hallucinations.

It was one of the first hallucinations I had (that I can remember at least).

A child laughing followed by the sounds of being in a crowd was the first time I remember hearing things at the age of 19.

But I was sitting at my grandparents “haunted” house at the time.

Well, it was super late at night and I was outside looking at the stars and smoking cigarettes.

They used to leave every summer, so I’d mow the grass and go over there and just hang out.

But I used to believe that the house was haunted so I lumped everything together as that and kept it for a good ghost story.

The last time I heard children playing and laughing was when I was in the hospital last year.

It was 3am and I heard them on the outside of my room windows.

Mind you, the hospital I was at was in the middle of nowhere. 

The same with my grandparents house (at that time).

It’s always unexplainable when I hear children.

Always late late at night and in a place no child would be at that time.

It’s honestly one of the more frightening auditory hallucinations I have.

A delusion I have has to do with apocalypse shit.

It makes my paranoia go overboard too.

I dream of apocalyptic shit as well.

All the time.

It’s a reoccurring dream where I have a backpack and a giant gun and there’s three other people who I don’t know, but we break into abandoned gas stations to get food and half of it’s rotten.

Then we’re always being chased by someone or something and I have to fight for my life the whole night.

In real life, when I get that feeling of complete dread suddenly and I’ll think (and envision) the roof caving in with CIA and FBI agents carrying automatic weapons and firing them everywhere.

When I’m out in public, I’ll see someone hanging off to the side of a building entrance or something and get paranoid about it.

Paranoid that they’re there to watch and kill me.

If they’re on the phone it’s even worse.

I know they’re probably just waiting for someone or whatever, but that apocalyptic shit just pops in and then lingers.

It’s part of the reason I’m not a big fan of eating out or really being in public that much.

It just makes me feel doomy.

All three of these hallucinations and delusions create a sense of dread in me.

Now that I understand they’re not real, they don’t bother me as much, but they’re still bothersome.

The third floor neighbor told me she might be moving out the other day.

And I think this is a way that my hallucinations and delusions morph to my surroundings as the surroundings change.

– Keren