I’m blown away by how stable I feel.

Tired.

But stable.

Surprisingly stable.

I was supposed to get my Invega injection on Friday last week, but the nurse left me a voicemail saying they had to reschedule me for after my psych visit today, Tuesday afternoon.

Which is a bummer because I was getting my injections a few days early the last couple of months and this month I won’t be able to.

At least it’s within the “on time” window still.

It’s okay.

I’m sorta scared at how much more tired I can get though.

I’m usually pretty tired for a few days after my injection, so we’ll see how I do this week with being on the Haldol now.

I have been having some very random breakthrough symptoms as the Haldol is gaining ground.

I guess, like most antipsychotics, it takes a few weeks to kick in full force.

This is the start of week three being on the full dose of it.

I have been hearing my voices surface as my third floor neighbors for a few days this week.

Even last night.

Honestly, I hear them most everyday around the same time – late afternoon to early evening.

Somehow, I’d say 80% of the time, I could tell they were hallucinations this week.

Like, it was extremely obvious that they weren’t real most of the time.

I’m shook by how obvious it is.

That same percentage of time I wasn’t getting worked up about hearing them when I did.

I didn’t get that tight feeling in my chest or much paranoia during the times I could tell they were hallucinations.

The other 20% set me off as usual, but not obsessively like they always have.

Again, and still, I have to tell myself that I wouldn’t be hearing them talking about me every time I step outside.

Not at that volume and enunciations.

But honestly, my physical and even mental reactions to the hallucinations and delusions have been dulled.

Significantly.

More so than when I was on the Risperidone.

And I thought that the Risperidone worked really well.

Turns out it worked, but not as well as the Haldol.

Granted the dosage on the Haldol is much bigger.

But I don’t mind, it’s a welcomed change.

A welcomed sense of mild relief from all of the heavy, heavy symptoms I have been having.

I’m still fairly sleepy, but at least I’m able to keep my eyes open most of the day now.

I’m just floored by how I can tell that my hallucinations are hallucinations the bulk of the time now.

The hallucinations fuck with me, they try to get me to fall for them.

The other day the voices mimicking my third floor neighbors started when I was inside my apartment. 

They were faint and crystal clear all at the same time.

I can’t hear anyone outside from inside my apartment.

Even if folks are talking loudly to someone outside, it’s just not possible.

But the same volume and clarity kept up even when I stepped outside.

The conversation the voices were having about me didn’t get louder when I stepped out.

They didn’t change at all.

So I didn’t get worked up about them because they’re obviously in my head.

There’s no way I could hear someone talking about me at the same volume and everything else both inside and outside.

Not possible.

So they didn’t bug me as much that time.

They’re still frustrating and nerve wracking, but not to the extent that they’ve been in the past.

And on top of that, I don’t hear much throughout the day.

They surface more in the evening and dusk hours, like they always have.

And even those are mostly obviously voices.

Because again, I can’t hear anything from the outside when I’m in my apartment.

Maybe a really loud car, but that’s it.

My mood is usually affected by my hallucinations, it goes down when I have a lot of symptoms.

The past few weeks I’ve been pretty stable at an “okay” mood.

And that’s a nice change too.

Usually it’s full of “meh” and “blah”, but not lately.

It’s shocking how much more grounded I feel since the switch to Haldol.

Now if I could get over the tiredness, I’d be golden.

– Keren