So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about.

Maybe I made it all up.

Or she was drunk like she gets.

But she literally said “wait, what? yesterday? what happened?”

So I said “oh I just blew up, nevermind, I just wanted to say sorry.”

So I have no idea if they were actually up there or not.

Even when I went off.

Even when I saw them.

She acted like nothing had happened.

And maybe it didn’t to them.

Maybe my mind made up them sitting outside.

It’s done that and worse before.

I just don’t know what to think about it all.

Maybe I shouldn’t think about it at all, maybe that’s the takeaway…

I shouldn’t have said anything.

The more I think about the more embarrassed I get.

But I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t say anything.

I was vigorously shaking yesterday right before I said something.

And saying something to “them” (if it was really them or not is now a mystery) helped stop my shaking momentarily.

It helped me feel like I was in control of an out of control situation. 

But only temporarily.

For a fleeting moment I was proud of myself and things seemed quiet.

But the voices turned right back on and now I don’t know what to think.

Besides I think all of that was in my head now.

Except for me going outside and talking to something, that was real.

But I don’t think they were even up there now.

I don’t know what to think about it anymore.

Fuck this shit, seriously.

It’s very difficult when I don’t have a witness to figure out what happened.

I doubt I’ll ever know now.

Maybe she’s gaslighting me.

Maybe she wasn’t even outside.

Maybe she was drunk.

I quit.

I’m fuckin spent.

I’m just going to continue to keep to myself and not look up there when I don’t want to.

Even if I see someone sitting outside, that doesn’t mean that they’re actually there.

That’s scary.

I swear they were.

But I’ve said that before.

I don’t fucking know.

It’s the same shit that follows me around and I felt like nothing had changed yesterday when I yelled at someone for something I thought they said.

Just like I have in the past.

I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow.

I hate this.

I hate a lot of things but hallucinations and delusions are at the top of that list.

How will I ever know if things are real?

How will I ever be able to tell the difference?

How many times in my life have I thought I heard someone say something shitty about me when they were not even talking about me (they said)?

Tons of times, that’s the answer.

Tons.

Seeing people not really there has happened to me countless times too.

So how do I really know what’s real and what’s not?

Is there a device I could buy to help me decipher that? 

Shiiiiit.

Do I just walk around with a GoPro or some shit?

What a shitty feeling.

To not be able to trust myself with the simplest of all tasks such as seeing and hearing.

What shit luck.

I’m tired of it.

It’s tiring.

I’m fine.

I’m just tired.

– Keren