I’ve been feeling good the past week.

So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again.

It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week.

Wait, the lack of symptoms makes me uncomfortable because I know what they’re capable of.

See, I’ve been working on reframing. 

Not just with my mental illness, but with my life – everything.

The technique is pretty simple, yet complex all at once.

I could never grasp it until very, very recently.

Like, within this month recently.

When I’m feeling shitty about something, I’ve been trying to tell myself that it’s okay to feel that way, but it doesn’t make it true.

In my world, I have to look at life as a series of reality and non reality events or occurrences, thoughts or whathaveyou.

For example; I tell myself I’m a piece of shit for not walking more.

When I’m sitting here wallowing, when I remember to, I will briefly tell myself that I have to be nicer to myself.

That my back hurts quite a bit, and my knees are wrecked.

Now, I repeat this more positive phrase to myself as many times as I can.

Not in a pattern.

Whenever I notice I’m being mean to myself.

When I realize I’ve been getting down on myself, I just say something simple to counter it.

“I’m a piece of shit” repeated until I notice.

“I’m not a piece of shit, I’m just dealing with ______.”

Then, it goes back to “I’m a piece of shit”, and I counter it again, with “I’m not a piece of shit, I’m just dealing with ______.”

Now this doesn’t work all the time.

When the hallucinations are calling me names, it’s pretty useless to counter them because of their grip.

I try to, but it’s impossible to make them stop.

And in other times, it’s super tough for me to remember or be able to do.

But it does ease things in general.

Sometimes I can call myself stupid or whatever for hours before I catch myself and try to reframe it.

It could even be days or weeks until I catch it.

But I’ve been trying to catch it.

Which is amazing.

I have never had the ability to do that.

To do this.

To be easier on myself.

I’ve hated myself for so fucking long that it feels wrong to be nice to myself.

I know that may sound foreign to some.

But hating myself is comfortable.

Staying the same is comfortable.

It’s horrible, and comfortable.

And I want to get to a place of just being.

Not hating myself.

Just existing without the hate.

I keep telling myself I don’t need to love me yet, but I have to be okay with me.

And that’s a huge start.

It’s better than I’ve felt about myself, ever.

Reframing is so difficult.

It’s a hard habit to try to start because everything in me is fighting it.

The hallucinations.

The delusions.

The cognitive distortions.

The intrusive thoughts.

They all wind together into a cyclone of shit.

They have been active for so long that it’s tough to distinguish any of them from my core sense of self.

And maybe that’s more of what I mean when I say I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self.

Becuase my old way of doing things didn’t fucking work.

Not that I always had control over them at the same time.

Medications are giving me the ability and the space to be calmer than I’ve ever been.

Even though some days are bad, they’re not as bad as they’ve been in the past.

And even though I’m on edge, and feel like I’m waiting for the bad days to surface, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the good days.

All of these little things build on one another.

They’re like pixels that are slowly starting to create a photo.

I can see things start to make sense.

And like anything, I don’t know how long it will last.

But today I’m hopeful that my medications and hard work are starting to show.

– Keren