diagnoses
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Fixations and Bruce Wayne
I have this strange lump on the right side of my neck. I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something harmless. And I won’t know much about it till Wednesday, when I have a follow up after the ultrasound tomorrow.… Continue reading
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Scary Relief
The voices are still here, in case you were wondering. I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others. And the last couple of days I’ve had some… Continue reading
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“Anosognosia” and Delusions
I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered… Continue reading
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The Water Park Bridge
Before my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, I had bipolar 1. It was always “severe”. And the mental health care folks that I was working with, knew something else was going on. They just weren’t sure of what. A few years… Continue reading
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Stupid Arthritis
I’ve been in a foul mood all week. I don’t talk much about my physical issues on here. But I decided it’s time to do so. My physical pain makes my mind bounce off the walls. It helps my darkness… Continue reading
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My Voices and Forest
In the recent past, my delusions grew and got loud enough to impact every aspect of my life. I have a tendency to become obsessed with certain topics – mainly people and conversations between us, actually. Especially a specific line… Continue reading
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Transition of Thought
My psychosis episodes warp everything. They pop up out of nowhere and run my entire life until they wear out. Then it can get quiet for a few days. Then it ramps right back up into me. I have been… Continue reading
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Finding Parts of Myself
Everyday something new happens. Or at least, I notice something new about myself. Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now. Like how my mind overrides me. Like how I have white hairs on… Continue reading
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Silence and Other Senses
It’s quiet this morning. Like, really quiet. It’s Friday, at 10am. People are out walking and driving and everything. But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises. It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums. It’s… Continue reading
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Addiction
For many, many years I have been trying to cover my mental health symptoms with substances. Especially my psychosis. Alcohol, pills, anything that I could get my hands on. I was in rehab about 10 years ago, and I remember… Continue reading
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super… Continue reading
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Core Delusion
I’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months. My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now. But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good. And that’s so much more sincerely said… Continue reading
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Employment Issues
It may very well seem to someone on the outside that I am pretty “high functioning”, right? Because I’m writing again, and starting to be able to separate myself from my mind.. However, the phrase “high functioning” is very outdated.… Continue reading
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Relationship
Relationships are so, so difficult for me. I’m talking about all of them. Family, friends, significant others, etc… I’ve said before that I have a very hard time communicating. And that’s a big part of it. Another part is that… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Two
I was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of… Continue reading
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Side Note
I wanted to say something real quick. I am well aware that my entries tend to focus on a lot of negative things. It may seem to someone unfamiliar to mental illness that I am only focusing on the negative.… Continue reading
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Self Loathing
I’ve been officially clinically depressed since high school. My very first diagnosis was major depressive disorder. A couple years later, the bipolar 1 came along, with its friends surfacing throughout the following years. My darkness just is. That’s the way… Continue reading
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Shifting Thought and Behavior
I try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force… Continue reading
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Paranoia, Hallucination and Delusion
As long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone,… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 