Self Loathing

I’ve been officially clinically depressed since high school.

My very first diagnosis was major depressive disorder.

A couple years later, the bipolar 1 came along, with its friends surfacing throughout the following years.

My darkness just is.

That’s the way the cookie crumbled.

That’s how I’m wired.

I honestly don’t know if I will ever be able to change that.

But now I found a medication that actually helps, and I found a therapist that listens to me, calls me out, and explains other points of view.

I’m very slowly learning that it’s a possibility that I can eventually, hopefully, let some of my darkness go.

That may sound “well, duh, of course you can..” to some.

I should have always been trying to stop it, right?

Of course I should try to climb out of my depression.

But not everyone can function at a sustainable and socially acceptable level at all times.

I can’t help the fact that I can’t control my mind.

That it feeds me a reality far from the truth..

Some folks tell me to read a self help book, or just go for a walk outside, exercise, or take a nap – that’ll cure it all.

Unfortunately, mental illness is not that easily stopped for most who suffer, myself included. 

That would be like telling a dieabetic that they can stop being a diabetic by reading a book, or by breathing better.

Behaviors, coping mechanisms, social skills, suicidal ideations and many more parts of me are all over the place, I don’t even know what or where a lot of them are yet.

It’s much deeper than many can comprehend, especially if it’s never been personally experienced.

My self loathing behaviors started to really take hold of me when I realized that I wasn’t like other people, and these same other people would never really know who I am, and what I’m going through.

I was around 13 years old at the time.

Since the subconscious take over, I’ve always been the one who’s loud, blunt and embarrassing at times.

I say what I want to because usually people laugh, or groan. 

Either way, I get a reaction and some attention.

I have always said what I’m thinking, and have been quick to do it.

I have gotten into plentiful awkward and awful social situations from it.

My anger and bluntness has lost me most all of my friends.

It’s royally pissed off family members.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve finally started learning how to calm down without lashing out verbally at anyone or myself.

It’s not refined yet.

I still have breakthrough self harming incidents.

But they’re few and far between now.

The hatred I hold for myself has always made me lash out, when I really think about it.

I have never been happy.

How are people actually, sincerely fucking happy?

Who does that?

How?

My hardcore anger and sadness is always directed toward myself.

As far as I can recall, I have been self harming since before the fifth grade. 

That makes self harm a core coping mechanism for me.

It’s overwhelming to not do it when I get to that doomed point.

Like, if I don’t hit myself, or smash my knuckles on a door frame within the next three seconds, my entire body will explode from emotional pain, which is millions and millions of times worse than anything physical that I can inflict on myself.

But I have to stop this cycle.

I’ve given myself countless concussions.

I know that there might be a point, if I continue to self harm, that I might not survive.

So, when I feel like I can, I have been honestly and actively trying to try to tell myself that I’m working on liking myself.

Or, at least trying to be aware of the amount of times I tell myself that I’m the literal fucking worst.

With much worse wording.

It’s a start, eh?

Going from heavy, intense loathing of myself, to trying to like myself seems fucking impossible at times.

Especially when I feel deep rooted anger quite often.

It usually comes along with my dark sadness that’s been with me since the start.

When activated, my rage gauge can quickly climb off the charts.

This anger is on a reactive autopilot within me.

It’s so difficult.

So, so difficult to try to actively change what I’ve done ever since I can remember.

I feel so far behind in life sometimes.

Like, I should be at a certain point, and I’m nowhere near it.

But I’m getting better at reminding myself that I’m working very hard on everything.

That I’m just starting to understand these things, and that I’m being as patient as I can with myself.

My frustrations make me interrupt others more often too. 

I get flustered when I don’t immediately say what’s on my mind. 

Oftentimes I forget what I was going to say if I keep listening and not talking, then I have nothing to put into the conversation and feel bad – like I have nothing productive to say.

But most of the time, I lose my track of thoughts half way through whatever I couldn’t hold back from saying anyway.

I interrupt, and then lose track of what I was saying.

Super classy.

I see myself do these things, but when the moment is right in front of me, I’m absolutely oblivious to it.

It’s not until I get home, or get into my car and start to think about what happened, what I said, and when I said it, that I realize all I did was interrupt and overshare.

I know I talk over people, it’s a thing for sure.

All I can do is work on trying very, very hard to not do that anymore.

Even the thought of liking myself is annoying to me.

No, I don’t remember if I’ve ever told myself that I loved myself.

I’m sure I haven’t.

It’s always been the exact opposite.

I’m not special and I know it.

I’ve always used horrible name calling with self verbal and physical abuse.

Since I can remember I’ve heard in my head that I’m a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything but misery.

I’m not sure of a time when I didn’t hear that.

My self hatred has absolutely been a constant in my life.

I know, that’s absolutely horrible.

The very first time I was honestly able to say “I think I’m starting to like myself”, was through heavy, sobbing tears, about a month ago, in a weekly therapy session.

It’s beyond tough.

Since before the age of 13, I’ve hated myself.

Like, HATED myself.

Flash forward 26 years later, and starting to work on reversing that is single handed the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

Ever.

This is all very new to me, and you’re reading about it as it’s unfolding.

– Keren