I need to learn how to listen to myself better than I already do.

I’ll give you an example.

I was just out to dinner with my Dad and his friend and my knees started killing me after we got done eating.

Like, both of them were throbbing and burning.

Sitting in one position longer than 20 min or so is basically torture for me and my knees.

Well, I started to sweat too.

And then it didn’t stop because the pain was getting worse.

My glasses started fogging up and I started to get anxious about the sweating.

So I’m taking my glasses off and on because they’re fogging up.

And my pain levels were increasing exponentially.

Dad told me if I needed to get up and walk around that’s fine.

So I did and it helped but the sweat didn’t stop until I got home just now.

I hate this.

It’s like a clusterfuck of things happen all at once and I can’t tell which one is the catalyst.

They all seemingly are.

Because my knees are throbbing and my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t stop sweating.

So I stepped outside to try to stretch and calm down.

But it’s 92° outside still and that didn’t aid in making me comfortable with my sweating.

But it helped my knees.

So I take what I can and leave some of it.

So, why didn’t I get up like 5-10 minutes earlier?

Why did I need someone else to see my uncomfortableness to give me the ability to get up and move around?

I don’t have an answer.

I have got to start listening to my body better.

But it’s hard when three things or more happen all at once.

I can’t tell what to do first.

But I should’ve excused myself and gotten up and moved around a bit.

Even if it was just to go to the bathroom.

My knees would’ve felt better at least.

And I could’ve wiped off the sweat that way too.

Now I know that, and next time I have a plan.

But it’s so hard when I don’t know what my body is trying to tell me other than pain, pain, pain.

And hot, hot, hot.

I don’t know why I get into a meltdown mode basically.

I have done that ever since I can remember.

I push myself too far.

And I don’t pay attention until I’m at my wits end.

Almost until it’s too late.

And I don’t know why I do that.

What’s the point?

I’m only hurting myself.

And maybe that’s it.

I’m so used to hurting myself that I have trouble seeing my issues for what they are before they get real bad.

I have a hard time stopping the uncomfortable shit before it gets out of hand.

Because I’m so used to being uncomfortable.

And not in a healthy way.

Not in a way of holding space.

In a way of doing self harm.

I’ve ignored what I need for so long that listening to myself is going to take some work.

Because the effort is there.

I am trying to listen to myself, it just takes practice.

And patience.

But how do I start to see these signals as signals?

And not ignore them until they’re about to blow up in my face?

Self harm comes in many forms.

Hitting.

Cutting.

But overeating is also a form.

And so is not listening to yourself.

So is wearing uncomfortable shoes or clothing.

Tho “lesser”, they’re still forms of self harm.

It’s still ignoring your own needs and concerns.

I got a small tattoo the other day as a form of positive reinforcement for quitting smoking.

I only spent $120.

I think that’s a steal personally.

But anyway when I was on the way home I got so fucking down on myself about it.

I started reeling into myself – what did you do that for?

You shouldn’t have spent that money.

You should be saving your money, Keren.

And I have been.

I’ve saved over $200 this month by not smoking.

So why shouldn’t I do something nice for myself?

Why shouldn’t I give myself a gift?

It’s hard to quit smoking and I don’t really have any vices anymore so what’s the big fucking deal about it?

I tugged back and forth at myself for a few days and realized that there’s nothing I can do about it now.

It’s done.

And I do love the tattoo (that’s in the photo for this entry).

I don’t really have a mental illness tattoo yet.

Well, now I do and I love it.

But why was my first reaction to get angry with myself for doing something nice for myself?

That’s a big question.

And I think again, it comes down to self harm and self avoidance being comfortable for me.

Being what I go to first.

I have got to get out of that mindset.

I have got to start being nicer to myself.

Start listening to myself in other areas better.

Otherwise I’ll just keep being miserable and not know why.

– Keren