It has been a tough couple of weeks.

I’m caught up in something I can’t control and it’s driving me up the wall.

It’s triggering.

And my hallucinations have been louder.

The shadows are thick and the little balls dart across my field of vision, sometimes making me jump from surprise.

The auditory hallucinations are popping up a lot.

Well, they’re still there on my short walks, overlapping themselves.

“Did you see that?!”

“She just put it out”

“She put it out”

“Did she put it out”

“She put it out”

“She put it out”

“Did you see her throw it away?”

“She threw it away”

“She did not”

“She did throw it away”

“Better not catch on fire”

“It’ll catch on fire”

Shit like that is constant for me while walking Bruce, the little walk I can manage.

There is a good thing that happened this week.

The third floor neighbors moved out this last weekend.

Technically they got evicted.

It’s been very nice having them gone.

But I’m scared of what my hallucinations will hang onto next.

What the next obsession is.

The next delusion.

I still feel like I’m being watched, still under surveillance.

It still feels like there is someone watching countless monitors of my life.

I still think there’s a chance that someone is tracking my gps.

I know it’s irrational, but I still think there are cameras everywhere too.

I don’t like to talk about it because I know how “crazy” it sounds to others.

But it’s real to me.

The challenge, the watching, it’s real.

That’s the thing about hallucinations and delusions.

It’s easy for people who don’t suffer from these symptoms to just say oh ignore them, or oh you know that’s a voice.

And no, no I do not know if that’s real or not.

I didn’t think I was having hallucinations – I thought I had paranormal “gifts” for almost forty years.

I can’t tell if things are real or not because I hallucinate entire conversations.

Entire situations.

I have to catch myself from speaking like the voices are real.

Like when I call them “the neighbors”…

They are, but they’re really “voices”, a hallucination, and to make that differentiation is crucial, because the words give it less value.

It separates it from my perceived reality.

At least, as much as that line can be drawn.

But it’s impossible to say what I am hearing is in fact a hallucination or not, at any given time.

I honestly assume nothing is real most days.

And not necessarily in a doomy way.

Just in that it’s easier to digest that something is a hallucination than something is in reality.

Though I do hate having the hallucinations and they’re always very negative.

They’re always talking about me, what I’m doing, what I’m thinking.

Portraying a sort of mind reading capability coming from an outside timbre.

Ones that fluctuate in volume and tone.

They overlap.

I’ve shared this before, but when my symptoms are super active, it sounds similar to THIS.

It’s similar.

The overlapping qualities are familiar.

The whispers and the “louder” voices.

So is the paranoia around people and what they think and feel, like I have an “ability” to know what they know because of what the voices are saying.

It’s that negative, if not a touch more, in my experience.

I honesty have only been able to listen to this video the one time, when I first came across it a year or so ago.

It’s too close to what I experience and almost sent me into a panic attack of overstimulation, just like they do in my life.

I had to pause the video a lot just to get through it.

I don’t really know why I feel compelled to share it again, I just do.

It’s just a good reminder to others of what I have to deal with every single day of my life.

Some hours are better than others.

Some days are better than others.

And usually it’s stressful and chaotic, so I’m trying to figure out an easier and healthier way.

But it’s just hard when my head is clouded with hallucinations  and delusions.

I guess this week was better than last for the most part, I just wish it were better symptom wise right now.

And the paperwork got filled out and turned into the paralegal I’m working with.

So, I’ll wait some more and hope that the hearing will bring good news.

Here goes something.

– Keren